My imaginary girlfriend - Part 33

Whatever happened after this, it would be too long to explain and I don’t have much time. I still cannot forget the day when Meghna informed me about the accident. Arvi was dead. That was all I could decipher , and there was more to it. When I reached home, there wasn’t one , but two dead bodies. The mother and her daughter. I was too shocked to even notice that Meghna only informed me about Arvi. As was reported to me , that both of them were hit by a car while they were coming back from the school. I saw Arvi for one last time, while she laid there motionless , peaceful. Like she was in complete tranquility, while beside lay her mother with blood stains all over her body. She looked pale, surrounded by her own blood. It was tragic and unbelievable that their lives had to end that way. I never blamed fate, but that day I did. I felt like every angel was turning their back on me, because of something evil I never knew what. But months later , I finally got an answer to everything. It was in her diary which she left for me before her first attempt to suicide. I would have lost her that very day but life gave me some more time, only to do it in a right way.

“I cried every night, struggled with my inner conscience, the blood stains greasing my hands. They wont go away Neel, they just wont. They are visible to me all the time. I know how it is and what it is to be a prey of the Devil. I am trapped and can never escape him. My entire existence is based on evil and I wont let you be a part of this. I know it would be hard for you when I leave and harder when you know the reason but its for the best. You think science can cure me, but no. I am a living beast and I could never forgive myself if I ever harmed you.

I was roaming like a vagabond, directionless, wasted and sick. I could hardly believe the fact that you were there for me. The closer we got , the more afraid I was. It was just a couple of years and there was so much to tell you Neel, But I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you that there was blood sticking on my palms, the fact that I killed my own Father. Thoughts had been stinging me for years. I craved for vengeance that never let me sleep. Always cloaked myself in a shell of deceitful outward appearance, being careful enough never to let anyone feel my deepest regrets.

I was only 10 years old, and had least idea what made my mom so upset that she didn’t even care about me and left- into a world from where she never returned. The time I saw her that night, her lifeless eyes staring at the ceiling, blood dripping off her wrist. I didnt cry, I was stoned. I tried to feel her breath, move her lips, thinking she would say something but she didn’t. My drunkard father arrived hours later, only to find that my mom had left him a burden to raise all by himself.

Dad never cared avout life, neither his, nor anyone else’s. As years passed, the frequent arrival of my aunt in our flat made it quiet clear. I often remember my mom shouting on my aunt and always wondered why and now I did. I started to live for myself, and tried to forget everything that happened , except that I couldn’t. Something kept burning in me, telling me, luring me to do it and I did. One day, while aunt wasn’t home, I poisoned his dinner. I knew a friend who was studying medicine, and she had a fantasy for all weird kinds of stuffs. She told me about a drug , which would never admit any case of food poisoning in the post-mortem report and I never thought twice, I did what was right. When aunt took me to Bombay, I tried to forgive and forget everything , but then the devil spoke. I wasn’t me, and I did what I shouldn’t . I killed her exactly like my father, and the strange thing is, I wasn’t even sorry. Every second of pain and agony they suffered were worth in return of every bit of my life I spent like an orphan.

I could not have been more wrong. I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it. Pretend like it would all be okay. I had a plan, I wanted to change who I was. Create a life as someone new, someone without the past, without the pain, someone alive. But its not that easy. The bad things stay with us. They follow us. We cannot escape them as much as we want to. But all we can do is to be ready for the good, so when it comes , we invite it in because we need it. I need it.”