My message to anyone who is in love.

I know it's hard. I've been there. In love with someone who hurt me.

I've tried telling myself that everything is fine and it's going to work out somehow. Convinced myself that I could make things better. I've taken on the mission to bring back the perfect relationship so that I didn't have to leave. Stayed on my best behavior. I've been brave and forgiving and promised that I would always be there.

I've tried to rationalize away the feelings. Ripped up pictures. Given myself pep talks about why I deserve more. Reached out to other people for help. Tried drinking until I was numb. Pretended like I didn't care. I've practiced the conversation in my head over and over of exactly how I would say each word "I can't be with you anymore. I am leaving you." Only the terror pull back the words before they make it through my lips.

Back and forth I've gone. Back and forth. Losing pieces of myself. Slowly. Like grains of sand falling through an hourglass. Counting down until I was completely empty and numb. And then i thought, "Maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe I'm just lucky that anyone loves me. Maybe this is good as it gets."

I know what it's like to feel loneliest when you are with someone else. I know how hard those days are. The ones spent staring at numbers of clock as they change, one by one, second by second through the night. I know the painful mornings. Standing in the shower staring at the water falling down the drain, hardly feeling the drops against my face. I know the coldness of bathroom tile against my cheek. I've laid there on the floor. Praying. Wishing. Silently begging for someone to help me and tell me what I am supposed to do.

If you are wondering if there's something better out there.. the answer is YES

YES.YES.YES . A million, trillion times YES.

There is so much more in life. More love. More adventures. More heartbreak too, but also more growing and learning. You're so much stronger than you think.You're so much smarter than you know. You're fucking awesome and you only get this one life to be the person you wish to be. Don't give that life to someone else. Don't feel guilty about fighting for yourself. You owe it to the universe. To whatever god you believe in. You owe it to that person out there that you might not have been yet that wants to love you the right way. But most importantly, you owe it to yourself.