My Other World

It all started in a simple prayer that I ought to say every morning. I asked the universe to give me someone I could talk to everyday. All I asked was a therapeutic one, the ones that makes me feel safe and warm, the ones that secures me of the uncertainties, and the one to help me struggle with my depression. I admit I was lonely and sad at that time. I want someone to listen to me, to joke around and I don't know fool around maybe?

And then, with out due offense of the world. The universe answered the prayer and he sent me you. At the very first message, I knew and chose you with all my heart. I set myself to love you and to talk to you for the rest of the days. 

I love you Antonio. I do. Even though we kind of argue with each other on almost everything. But I do. For 7 months you have given me a life in my life. You were the reason I woke up early in the morning due to our different time zones. The reason why I loved to snap almost everything that is happening in my life, the food I ate, the trip we went to, the scratches I got due to my clumsiness. It was all you. I constantly revolved in the idea of you.  I half converse, half laugh, half cry, to the people who are actually surrounding me because, I was in love with the idea of you. This is insanity and pure madness because I have never told anyone about you. 

You and I live in a whole new dimension. Where we only see ourselves away from everything else that's being attached to us. I like it. But it made me insane about you each day. 

I long for you warm hugs, I long for your smiles, your laughs, your beautiful sexy voice whenever we talked. I loved you in any sense that seems rational to me. But wasn't. It  wasn't. There was nothing rational about talking to a guy on the phone, feeling and actually believing he exists in your life. And without no other people to validate your romance but only the both of you.

It was tough. I didn't know where to place my heart. My mind race in swirls as I contemplate the rationality of this doing. I came to a thousand many realizations but none of them try to persuade me to stop. I saw myself kept calling you anyway. Texting you. I felt like I'm not being real. I do not live in the real world anymore where my friends and family are. And that's the worst feeling in the world. The feeling of hiding, of not being true, of not being able to be free, of not being able to admit that I love you. 

I do not know why you live in my head for long. I didn't realized I was watering you, letting you grow. I do not want to destroy myself, nor you. I do not want any harm so I am making the decision to stop. And I did. But It was the  worst in my life for you still creep in my mind and in my heart. 

I still remember the sound of your breath after you utter the words that you care for me. The sound was heavy, was light, was something my heart wants to stop to beat for a millisecond just to let it all sink in.

The night when we broke up. I realized all the good things aren't for the good. I still love you. But I want to be my own kind of person. My own kind of truth. 

I believe in your dreams though. I wanted you to realize that. I wanted you to know that when you said I didn't believe in anything to say and just laugh it out it was because I knew deep down, you will do it. It wasn't the matter of not believing you anyway. I know you will. I know you can. I truly believe they are beautiful. I truly believe those are wonderful dreams. But I can't rely on your dreams and your promises for us. 

I wanted you to know that I grew up being a independent person. I love being alone. I do not want people telling them what they want me to become, or what they want me to do. I live in my accordance to my personal will and pride. Which you may say sucks but It was me. It is me. That's all me. Now, if you want for me to settle for you. Trust me. Accept me. In away, that I feel free and does not inflict pain. 

I wanted you to know that I have loved you despite my lack. I tried. I still do. But this has to end. This has to be settled down. I do not want this fire that is burning in my kitchen, burns my house.