Start writing here.
Start writing here.
Start.
Today is Sunday, October 22, 2017.
I just came home from Come to Jesus Community Church. I just came back there to hear His words. It's been two years since I lost, I forget, I turned my back from the light which He never dim for me; It's been two weeks since I heard the gospel that woke me from being dead.
It all started all over again when I visited Pstr. Rico's funeral in Lagro, Fairview, a l o n e.
On my way, I am thinking that where I have been? Why did I stopped? When did I start not muttering 'thank you Lord for waking me up' every morning and 'thank you Lord for this day' every night? How, how terrifying it is? Am I that Fearless? Because basically, we tend to have a strong faith when we feel so afraid, when we desperately need something to hold. So uhm am I robot? Honestly, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. I am doubtfully convincing myself that maybe to feel something real again, I need to go back to Him. Just a try because I am hardly thinking that in order to feel real, I must harm myself and glad to say, I didn't. Henceforth, that day, that moment at the bus, on the way of NLEX, I took it as a sign and told myself that 'I am done, done lying to myself that it's perfectly okay to feel apathy about everything' and you are not going to believe this but guess what? I am starting to feel adult, realizing that I have so many responsibilities and there is more along the way.
So here it goes, the go-girl-you-can-do-it- attitude bursts out and poof, gone, zero, blank. Sad to say, you can't figure everything out at once and again, I failed. I messed everything up and to make things worst, my body didn't want to cooperate so I actually end up living for my daily routine--- do something wrong.
I end up experiencing breakdowns for almost every day, every night. It is so hard to have an emotions, why on earth do I have to struggle with these kind of phases? I can't even remember how I survived that one of hell week. It so hard to fake a smile; more over a laugh; however, I did it, I faked everything and chose to wake up every morning with the thought of I can make it, I'm going to make impossible things.
Wait. Behold, because finally I realized something that matters. I can't clearly remember but there is one night, I went home with the idea of 'I usually comfort myself with repeating the mantra of: I can do this, this is for Him. Guess what? I totally and unknowingly forget that I am not just doing it for Him, I am actually doing it WITH HIM. How can I live without His amazing love? I spent that night crying and overthinking and rejoicing and whatever emotion it is until I fell asleep.
Today, I am going to say that He knows me, He knows I'm puzzled and wandering but not lost. He made Pstr. Juni as His instrument to say things for me~ I felt that the Lord God is ackowledging my helpless nights as His way of molding me into the person He wants me to be.
Thank you for seeing me, thank you for saving me. You are the King.