now that you're gone

It was a cold night, I’m lying in my bed, staring at the window watching the leaves of the trees dancing in the wind under the shadow of the moonlight and holding my rosary with tears in my eyes. I can’t sleep. There are many thoughts that kept playing on my mind. Swimming in a reverie where I’m dreaming until.

“..I’M ALWAYS HERE GUARDING YOUR LIFE…” I suddenly woke up because of my cellphone ringing. I hold the rosary tighter and get my cellphone on the table beside my bed. I answered the call.

“Hello couz, I have something to tell you, but promise me you won’t do anything crazy, okey?”

Before I respond to her, my heartbeat go faster, I felt nervous to what she might going to say. Honestly, I don’t know what to do if that something is good or bad, but I’m hoping that is a positive thing, and I will be glad if that so. But as the famous saying, expect the unexpected.

“Well then, couz, I promised. So, what it is are you going to tell me?”

“Couz, hmmm, I’m pregnant.”

“Jasper, don’t play stupid jokes on me right now, please. How can that be, eh, you’re a gay since we were kids. I know, you just want me to relax and don’t panic, but please tell me now what it is, so we can finish this conversation.”

“Hehehe, yeah right, sorry couz, I just want to lighten up your feelings ,coz I can feel right here your pain, your sorrow, even if we’re apart from each other I already felt it. So, here it is couz, I’ll tell you anyway. ”

“What it is? I’m waiting.”

“Couz, it’s sad to say, but, Ian is dead. He passed away a while ago. He had heart stroked while he is undergoing the brain operation. The doctors do their best to recover him but it wasn’t good enough. His heart failed him and he got seizures. Couz, are you still there? Hello? Margaret?”

I can’t accept the fact to what I’ve heard over the call. I felt like my heart was literally being pulled out of my chest and squeezed tightly until I couldn’t breathe.

“Ian is dead. Ian is dead. Ian is dead. Ian is dead.”

These are the words that echoed in my head. I burst into tears.

That night, was really indeed a nightmare. I felt such heaviness inside me. It’s like the whole world tumbled down on me. I find it hard to believe.

I felt I’m the loneliest people in the whole world. I kept asking why it is happened to me. Am I bad, to experience this? I kept questioned God, why all these things happen. My mind was so blinded and clouded with my negatives thoughts. I blamed myself. If I don’t called him to celebrate his promotion he won’t come to our meeting place and also I blamed God for He allowed this awful thing to happen to someone like me. I cried my heart out loud. Thinking of him, made our memories together playback all at once before the tragedy had happened. I fall asleep crying.

Ian is my fiancé for three years. And we have been engaged for six months. He is in comma for almost one month because of the car accident we had two weeks ago.

We are on our way to Minerva’s Crib, one of the favorite restaurants of my mother-in-law-to-be, to celebrate his promotion to the company he worked at and I also have a surprised to tell him that I’m pregnant. Both my parents, cousin Jasper and both in-laws-to-be are waiting for us to arrive at Minerva’s Crib.

At the diversion, when the stoplight turns into green signal, and our car was about to move having left turn a fast approaching truck is coming on our way and suddenly hit us. There was a loud bang and extreme impact. Ian had lost control over the steering wheel. The car spin around and we bumped on a huge tree on the corner of the street.

I saw Ian, bathing in his own blood. His head and half of his body come out through the car’s windshield. I’m tried to move my body and reached his hand but my legs were stocked by the dashboard and before I fainted, I heard ambulance siren and I saw many people surrounded us. The next day I woke up I was in the hospital. The moment I opened my eyes I saw parents and my cousin Jasper standing beside me while the nurse’s checking my dextrose and the other nurse is cleaning my wounds. Mom told me that I was asleep for three days because of a minor head injury and the doctor said that I’m going to be fine and my baby is safe. Also, they told me that Ian was in the Intensive Care Unit and was under observation because of the bleeding inside his head. I cried again. I felt so much pain inside that I couldn’t bear. I want to get up and go to his room. I wanted to see him. But the doctor didn’t allow me because of Ian’s delicate condition. My mom hugged me and she wiped my tears away.

Days passed by so fast and turned into months. But the pain still lingered on my empty grieving heart. I felt like I was dying amber. My world with him before was full of color with love, happiness, dreams and hopes but now it’s full of darkness its shine and glow had lost as fast in a blink of an eye. Velvet wall surrounds my sorrow. I locked myself in my room with radio turned on out loud so nobody can hear me screaming and sober deeply in pain. I don’t go outside, even some of my colleague’s inviting me out. I just wanted to stay in my room as long as I want. I know my parents and my close friends who are closed to me were worried about me but I just can’t help it. For now, I just want to be alone by myself. I know I need to keep moving forward but I don’t know where to begin I’m feeling lost right now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I will start again knowing that someone you loved deeply won’t be there for you anymore. I don’t know what dreams and life are for? Why God did kept me alive even if I was slowly dying inside.

I always dreamed about him. In my dreams, he was still alive and I felt it was real. I always wake up in the middle of the night sobbing and tears filled my eyes. And then the wind of solitude blew again. I’m missing him badly. Sometime I can’t get rid of thinking about him especially when I’m alone. It seems like every day he is always on my mind. He lives in my memory and the only connection we had over space and time. I remember those days that we’re together I always remember every moment that I embraced him and watched him asleep. How I wish he was here. I want him to stay with me forever but I know this cannot be. It won’t be going to happen, now, that he is gone. He will be gone forever. That’s the sad truth, and that I must accept even how hard it is. I should still continue to live my life even without him.