Of Cruelty

Let’s just say we’re guys whose wounds are gruesomely scathed in return for the happiness that we longed and sought for. 

For now, it might seem baseless and a tad foolish but I believe that matters you work hard for usually pay off in the end. So continue to scar me with your acts of rejection, continue to show me your interest in others, continue to be held upon society’s chains, and continue to be happy with or without my lingering presence. I love you too much for that that even if I’m not the sole reason you’re smiling today, that alone you’re happy is already enough for a simple guy like me that would only desire his love to be comfortable and fine. Though I want you all for myself, I’m not selfish enough and I can’t seem to compare to the past figures that have already made their way into your heart, so in the end, you’ll probably just catch me as if I’m the wind in some verdant sanctuary, blowing helplessly into silence, too opaque for you to touch. 

I mean I would do everything for you, anything, as long as my body holds that skill, as long as my resources can still make of what’s left, as long as I don’t fail to measure below the passing rate, I’ll do it. 

I’ll even offer my all just to satisfy the person I want to be with the rest of my life yet again, I think the world doesn’t want me to be happy, it seems to be pulling strings to ignite sadness within my jagged existence. Well that can’t be helped, no matter how hard I try to be with someone, the zenith of my melody would always stop in the most precarious farewells and regrets. As if mockery decided to put on clothes and skin, it came to knock at my door, and ironically leaving his share of present. 

I truly love you, truly, even if you’ll gaze upon another girl, even if you’ll help her put things insider her bag, or even if you still call her a name of endearment. I can care less. knowing you’ve acknowledge what I’ve felt is already sufficient for the time being, knowing that I made my plays and did my part is already self-assuring, knowing that in the end, I still got chosen over by someone who hardly knows your favorite color, food, or even your birthday is fine for me, the path I’ve chosen is already bound to stop at that destination. But then, don’t mind, if you’re happy, comfortable, and fine, that’s already satisfying to hear. Don’t even bother explaining, I’ve come to my senses and I’ve expected that it would reach at this point. For starters, we’re both boys and the law of nature doesn’t work that way in the first place. In simpler words, it wasn’t even meant to be.

 Oh God, I wanna blame this all to Love, to Love who never gave me someone I could be with on times I weakly crumbled to ashes, to Love who never seem to care how much I woe over rejection and betrayal, to Love who doesn’t stop leading me on, to Love who doesn’t even get sick of these petty mind games, to Love whose purpose was to destroy me, to Love who never did anything but mess me up, to Love who’ve stolen my light and pushed me unto bottomless darkness. Love did not have arms but it managed to push me off the edge. Kill me, I’m already at the mercy of living, so what’s the point anyways. As if my throat muscles turned into sandpaper, the moment I wanna set free the weight I’ve been holding in, I’ve lost my voice and bled myself instead. A sickening sight to even imagine, I know. Times like these, I know you’ll not even come, I know you’ll not even spike me up a message, and I know you don’t even have me running circles inside your head but hey, it’s okay. I already think my limitations for you are infinite as the galaxies can extend to. So don’t bother hurting me, I’m numb, well thanks to you and this phony paradise. Don’t even bother thinking how am I, you’ve got someone there, let them be your source of happiness ‘cause I know the second words slide out of your tongue and carelessly wobble into my ears, I’m already swept instantly and I hate that. So please, don’t. Be happy, that’s all I wish for and also, forget. Forget those moments you’ve come to know me, those moments where I’ll go to your house in the most unexpected time, or those moments where I’ll ignore every insult in the classroom just to sit beside you, or even those moments where I even disobey my own parents just to continue our longed conversation. Forget them all. It’s just rubbish worthy of nothing, not even important. Got that? Just for once, do something for me.