"Why?"
"I don't know miss." The policeman replied. He had a queer accent...almost like -
No ....she wouldn't let herself think that...no no no...please ...he was gone.. Gone for good..
"And how will I know?" The policeman continued... Like he was ranting. Wait a minute. Why would he do that?
"He died of asthma you say?"
My nod was confirmation enough. I don't think I had the strength to reply. I had cried myself hoarse, screamed at God , blamed him, declared this was a lie, refused to believe it... Anything- anything but his death , to remind me that he wasn't there..wasn't alive....
***
Sunday was an inauspicious day ...Sundays always were, he used to say. And now I desperately clung onto anything that reminded me of him. Any reminder, any memory. He used to spout beautiful poetry. Usually for me. I still remember the first one he made for me after I requested him for it, for at least for a hundred times....
' Stars in the night sky/Blinding me , robbing me of deception/ What are you if not a star/ So clear in your perceptions?'
Wiping away a tear I slid my hands into my overcoats pocket, and raising my collar , almost as if I could hide my face... To escape desperately from this misery . I departed for the funeral ..
***
I never made it there....
A wave of nausea threatened to make me collapse. So I set out for my home .
It wasn't far from the funeral but it felt like a million years. I kept brooding over his last moments. And I made a decision.
I didn't want to live anymore.
I knew all the talk ..the thoughts ,ideals that stated suicide to be an act of the cowards. Something that people did out of pure selfishness. Maybe I was selfish. Too selfish to want him back. Too selfish to live without him, to want him so badly that he couldn't rest in peace. But at least I could join him.
I wonder if this is what people said to convince their own pitied selves that they were justified to die.
Had I lived enough? My age told me no. I was only 21 and had a life to live. Would anyone miss me? Maybe someone would have if he were alive.
And now - and now.... I would join him.
I was hysterical... I was mad . Yet I was happy.
I'm coming, I'm coming! I wanted to scream.
I went into my apartment. I didn't have to leave any letters, any money. I was barely rich. Noone would care .
With trembling hands I picked up the sharpest knife I could lay my hands on. With ragged breaths i got it close to my wrist. Only a small swipe and I'd be there. It wouldn't hurt . It would be quick and painless. I closed my eyes ,blinking back my tears and carefully mouthed the words mom and dad. I'd miss them. This world.
But I miss him more.
A letter caught my eye.
Wait.
Noone had the key to my flat. And I certainly hadn't seen this before.
I threw down the knife,curiosity taking the better of me and slid the letter our of the envelope which was blank.
Tears slid uncontrollably out of my eyes.
How?
Because it said -
" Dear Velly,
I hope you don't make any stupid choices because I ain't dead you idiot. I'm as healthy and alive as can be. And don't worry. I'm not happy, because I can never be happy without you ,Velly .
Now don't you start insulting me for indeed you are. And you certainly do feel angry at me I know. But I had to make a choice.
I can't live without you ,Velly. But I can't put you in danger as well. I can't tell you why. Otherwise there's no point in going away. No matter what you think... I wanted to take you with me.
Be happy ,Velly. Don't brood. Be happy.. and do whatever you want to. I will come back. And then- then we will be happy again . Happy. Like forever.
Keep this poetry with you.
'Life is a meaningless game without her/ She is too hard to get/ But no matter what, and however long/ I know she will never forget. '
I love you"
He had had the keys to my house since a very long time ago.
And I knew suddenly- the policeman. It was him. Him all the time.
Always protecting. Always caring. Always thinking.
His letter saved me from dying.. From committing a grave, undoing mistake. From yielding to live.
And so I let my dear love go, and decided to move on. And be like he said,
Happy ........
Maybe I wasn't selfish enough to see my own problems. And maybe I did love him enough to let him go.
Happy.
It was a beautiful thought.
"You are the deep flaming soul residing in me/You live in me and in my every hope/You are mine and I am yours/and it will be so for forevermore. "
I love you too , love - I love you too...
©AkshayaGadre