Only Exception

I think that we are coming to our end, even though we haven't started our thing yet. I'm determined this time to forget and avoid you. But before I do so, allow me to write a short recollection of what transpired between us. If through this I could remember that once, I felt something special for you.

When the new class level started, I have two wishes. First is to be not separated with my friends and second, to not have a male teacher. I don't know but my wishes weren't granted. I was transferred to another class, and we got you as our TTH professor.

It was awkward even at the start. I couldn't speak, not just only because I don't know the language but because I'm numb around you. You emulate this feeling in me whenever you are around. And then you started paying attention to me. You always call me, ask me to read, make me recite, answer questions, hard ones, make me go in front, all sort of stuff that make me more uncomfortable. You even came to my seat, which is at the third row, to check on my answers. At that time you lend to read my paper and you were so close to me. I knew if I would just look your way, I would have kiss your cheeks. But then I stayed stiff sitting there, eyes lock on the paper and your hands as you corrected my answers. I couldn't forget that moment. Because after that, I became more conscious of everything you do.

I started observing you. The way you talk in class, the way you explain things to us, the way you even pronounce my name. I see everything, even the way you react with me. There was that time you called me to answer an exercise in the board. When I took the marker from you, I found it hard to uncapped. I tried twice and it wouldn't separate from its body. Then I saw you crack a smile. I don't know, I find you cute that moment. It's weird, because I should be embarrassed that you are seeing me at my most vulnerable moment. But I wasn't shy at all. And then, when I answered it, you didn't let me sit yet. You asked me to read it out loud, while you didn't do it with others. And then you even change some of the words and asked me to answer it. Was it because you want me to learn, or you're taking the opportunity that I'm standing next to you? I wasn't sure what to think.

And then, barely two weeks, the sudden announcement came that they will replace you. I couldn't believe it. Just when everything starts to be interesting, it has to be cut off suddenly. The good thing is you were transferred to the class of my friends. I told them to mention me when you are conducting your class. And that's how things started to become more complicated.

They did mentioned me. And accordingly, you were surprise to find my friends there. In my opinion, you're not, because my friends are all over my social media account. Oh by the way, we are connected in all of my social media account, including watsapp. It's like I couldn't hide from you anymore.

So they continue to mention me and you started reacting. There was a time you asked me to my friend. One of my former classmate even notice it that he imitate you asking where I am. And how can I forget that slip of the tongue when you ask my friend to read but instead of her name, you utter mine. It was so intriguing why would you do those.

And it wasn't all. I made a mistake of entering your class during break and was oblivious of the time because I was talking too much. You came and was about to close the door when I realized its time already. I rushed to the door. When you saw me, you immediately smiled and asked where I'm going. I answered quickly in my room. But then, after passing through you in the door, you said something that really made me startled. In front of your students, some former classmates, and all those who were still in the lobby at that time, you said 'I really miss you'. Actually it was normal to hear it from you. Because we used to be in a class. But you weren't saying it to all your students. It is only me. And in my opinion it's too much of being outspoken. Teachers don't say those kind of words to their students, let alone somone their age. So in the midst of being startled, I just responded me too and walk away. I went back in my room drained of blood in my face. I couldn't concentrate on my class, I barely survived it.

Then I decided to really avoid you. I stayed in my room most of the times, even during break. And then you started commenting on my instagram posts.  You replied to most of my days. I responded out of duty because you were my teacher. But one day, o was in a very playful mood I did a ridiculous thing. I made a joke with you. I just tried it thinking you would just ignore and forget it the next day. I was totally wrong. Because after three successive breaks that I avoided seeing you, during the last break you saw a chance of talking to me. No friends saw you coming so they bid goodbye ahead. I looked down and was about to return to my room when you called me. O looked up,  and suddenly you were standing facing me. I smiled. You said something about the joke I made with you the previous night and I didn't understand. Confusion was written all over my face maybe so you just said it was a joke. And then we went our respective ways. I blushed again. It was another stage in what is thought a developing stage of friendship with you.

And then I couldn't concentrate anymore. I think of you more often than I wanted. I really tried avoiding you after that but still I keep seeing you. Even in the crowed I could spot you easily. And then I saw you change. You posted stuff in your account which usually took weeks before you update it. I'm keen with details, probably because I love Sherlock Holmes. You started sharing some of your daily activities. Your account used to be boring but now it isn't.

Came the exam, I was so pressured. Part of it is because of you. The fact that you could see the result of my exams is really making me more nervous. I did my best to passed it,  and I did. After the written exams, I saw you sitting in the lobby. You were with other male students. You even took photo. I wasn't on the mood for anything that time, fresh from the exhausting exam. I passed you by many times. I didn't say hi, not even attempt to look in your way. We decided to leave with my friends. On our way to the metro, someone suggested taking photos. My smiles were still forced. And then suddenly you passed us by. You said something I didn't have a grasped of the meaning. It was nothing actually. But you know, you were the last person I'd expect to see at that moment. To hear your voice was really an unexpected. And it made me happy. You could still surprised me in ways I never thought you would.

And then vacation comes. Along with it is the silence. I passed the exam thankfully. I'm moving on the next level. I don't know which class will I belong to and who will teach us. But I definitely want it to be not you. I'm distracted enough just by those events I narrated. I can't go through more. It's enough that I'm admitting to myself that I felt a tiny bit of sparks for you, but that's all of it. This thing should never be pursued. It must come to an end.