Open Ended

The day after she get herself drunk, it feels like a usual day, she is sipping the same tea, wearing that old pyjama she always wear on weekends, as if she never let herself be under the spirit of liquor and be possessed of it so she could confess, not as if she would totally forget what she did the next day but to not take responsibility over what she have said and done, to not take responsibility over any kind of emotional atmosphere between her and him, that night created for them, though the only thing she have a responsibility with is, herself.

With hands clasped to her 6th bottle of beer, a thing that she has never done because she havent drink any alcoholic beverages before. It would be the first time as well that she would confess to someone. she was too young then when she first know how to be infatuated, and it's different now.

She said, "I like you, it's been months if not a year and I can't help myself"

He smiled as if it did not register as if he did not hear it but just wanted to be polite though she knows he heard it, other friends joke about it and tried to pair them up but he just get back to talking to other friends around the table. They talked about the new girl he is courting, the ex girlfriend who dumped him, but none about her, the girl who want to exist in his world, in the end she still doesn't exist.

Flash forward for 3 months, he is not courting the girl he is courting that time, it's a new girl, she knows that her friends that are with her that night don't mean to be inconsiderate telling her stories how this common friend is courting another girl, what sort of things he's doing to win her over, she doubt if these friends could remember she confess to him. Yes they know that once upon a time she liked him, but after that night they never saw her show any emotions, she never cried about her feelings being taken so lightly, she never told them she cried the day he avoided her, she never showed that she was hurt by the way how he brushed off her efforts to confess to him, those emotions that sometimes overwhelms her it can't help but turn to tears. 

She is that shy girl, of few words, of less showing what is inside, but definitely she is not passive, she know how to name every emotions she had felt, she is so aware of them she's afraid to show it.

She thought being sincere would be enough but she thinks she wasn't able to convey everything she want to say, she want to say that she cried that day she heard his ex dumped him for another guy, she wanted to tell him, she waited patiently and respected his time when he is moving on from a lost love, she wanted to tell him she cared about him watching him in a distance, watching bitterness change him and desperation drove him to want to belong to someone and show his ex he can replace her in an instant, and with all that he never took notice of her, the one who wants him, not need, because that implies her using him like the other girl, want in a most sincere way, want him as he is, want him with his weakness and flaws, want him and his soul.

Flash forward a few months more she is residing to a different house, she is sipping a different flavor of tea, she is wearing different kind of clothes, she acquired a room mate, she is more sociable, not really that different from what she was before but she's more assured of herself, little by little she is liking herself and tries to improve it.

She wanted to forget, she needs to be away from him and she did, she needs her time and she took it, she was never angry with him, though a little disappointed, for not being the man she upheld and respect him for, she just need to get away, she would try harder this time if she found a new love, to show what she really feels, she would be happy and she would love herself, her story isn't finished yet.