OVER THINKING and THINKING OVER

Lately, she has kept herself busy with her thoughts. Most of the time, she couldn’t help it. She’s been overthinking and she can’t stop. For quite a while now, her thoughts have been her most loyal companion. Overthinking, trust me, that shit will drive you crazy.

When she’s alone and not busy with her phone, she’d start thinking. She would lay in bed for hours and stare blankly at the ceiling. She would sit in a corner with a cup of her favorite coffee and a cigarette stuck in her fingers, contemplating. She would enjoy the peace and quiet of her empty room. She would taste that euphoric freedom of being able to breathe deeply on a cold dark night under the moon.

She’s in pain. She’s in so much indescribable pain it’s almost inhumane. She finds it amusing how, even with great difficulty, she can still manage to fake a smile in front of everyone when deep inside she’s hurting. She’s breaking. She’s crying…bleeding…almost like dying.

She thought about him. She loves him. She loves him so much she couldn’t imagine loving anyone more than she does for him. She is a rational woman. She’s smart and intellectual. She makes matured decisions. She knows what’s right from wrong. However, with him, she became irrational. She became stupid and selfish. She started making unsure decisions. She still knows what’s right from wrong but now she manages to justify the latter. She followed her heart. It was wrong for her to love him. But could she help it? She loves him and there’s nothing wrong with loving. She’s stuck in the insanity of her feelings for him, stuck in that great amount of joy that she feels when she’s with him.

She thought about him. She thought of his love for her. He said he loves her. He said he loves her more than his girl. She thought of how happy they were together. She thought of how he looked at her like he never wanted to lose her like she’s the one. She believed him. She still believes him. She believes that their love for each other is so real that it can’t possibly not win in the end. She believes that one day, he will be able to fight for her. She believes that one day, he will choose her. She believes that one day, they will get their happily ever after

She thought about them…him and his girl. She thought about why they can’t just easily leave each other. She thought about why they are still together even when she already got in the picture. She thought about how life can’t just tear them apart so she won’t be sad anymore.

She thought about his girl. She thought of how she’ll possibly feel when he breaks up with her. She felt guilty. She felt guilty that she’s ruining their relationship. She felt guilty that she’ll be hurting another girl that is also in love with him. She felt guilty that she might just be the reason why that girl is probably gonna end up broken and ruined.

She thought about what to do. She thought about how the three of them are gonna get through. She thought about a solution. She knew though, right from the very beginning, what she had to do. She knew. She just didn’t want to acknowledge it. She knew she had to leave them be. She knew she had to be the one to go. She should have never been part of the picture in the first place. She just came running in, ruining a supposedly secure and happy relationship.

She knew what to do, what she should have already done before. She knew she has to say goodbye. She has made a decision. She will cut off all types of their communication. And as much as it hurts her, as much as it will probably hurt him, she knew…she knew this is the only solution.

Part of her will forever be waiting. Waiting for him. Waiting for that love that the future may or may not bring. Part of her will forever be hoping that one day…that someday…the two of them will reach their happy ending

But for now, she has to let go. She’s not giving up, but for now, she has to live her life, alone.

She’s still a mess inside. A mess of deep thoughts. A chaos of sad realizations. She’s an emotional wreck but she manages to show them that she’s strong. She would put that lipstick on and say “Hey, life goes on.”