Poisoned

I'm no one's favorite and I've always been the last option. I have been rejected countless times despite all the efforts I put to make them happy. I couldn't remember when was the last time I was chosen and prioritized. It affects me a lot that up to this point, I always find myself not insisting to anyone anymore. Regardless how much I really wanted to. Only because I'm afraid of getting the same answer again.

I hope you all know how sad, disappointing and hard it is to be thrown aside again and again even after trying many times. Hoping that next time you'll get a different answer from them. It wasn't just the hope that is being killed. But the bright light of excitement in their hearts and the pure intention of making effort just to make you feel special were all consumed by these dark sad hole in their hearts.

It keeps growing and hurting them in the process. How we start hating ourselves for not being enough. Holding grudge against what keeps happening to us and worst is.. sadness turns into hate that it triggers our heart to build a wall.

We start to distance ourselves, we avoid caring until we couldn't careless anymore. We shut our emotions thinking not being affected means saving. We care less, we hurt less. Those rejections create a poison that leaves a permanent wound that only time could heal.

And it is really sad. It is really lonely to keep yourself away from the things that makes you feel really happy back then. How you starts losing interest to the things that always makes you feel excited.

It kills you.

You can't just go back to the way it use to be when you get there. You can't just get out of that place where you imprisoned yourself just to protect your heart from the pain. You will bear with the agony of being alone for the sake of not hurting again.

And again.. none of these is easy. None of these is fun.