Shades of Life

Shades of Green.

I remember a moment when I was in college, my friend and I was de-stressing  in a store near school after our class, statements were thrown at me which didn’t left me until now.

My friend bullied me for letting a chance to slip away in my hands.

And here is the story why;

When we were at 7/11, she wants me to take a glance in a person who just entered because she thought that doing so will make me smile after that stressful week.

There was a man in a green shirt and she described him as one who seemed to be from Middle East like those who asked me to add them up as friend in social media sites, (yeah right! Maybe in my past life I’m from Middle East).

That moment maybe I’m not in the mood, it took much time before I decided to look back and have a glance but the man already step out.

My friend was so annoyed with my act and started lecturing.

Why did you not take the chance to glance? It is just a glance!  What if that man has something to do with your future?  What if you missed something important because you hesitated to take that chance? I guess you’ll remain single forever. All these statements were from that moment.

Now what, I’m already in the future of that past; so what’s the relevance of this man in a green shirt in this moment?

Think, feel, and understand, what?

It is 2016, Holy Tuesday, too many thoughts are in a war inside my head.  I want to shout, break things but I can’t, because it is not who I am. Maybe this way, by writing this lengthy note will again help to calm myself down instead of just eating, yes an unhealthy way to calm myself.

I am worried, in panic, stressed about the fact that I am not ready for the changes coming; I am not ready for my final exams and departmental exams and for the implementation of the standard grades for law school.

Why am I not ready? Other side of me answers, because you are not doing anything to prepare.

Why not make any move? Because I don’t know where to start!

Why? Because I don’t know how to answer your basic question why!

All I know is that I am stressed, lost, and moody, my ideas are all out of this universe, I feel like a rotten tomato.

Why God?

Why all this things are happening?

Why do I have to experience all sorts of pain?

Why do I have to be so imperfect?

Why do I have to cry a lot?

My close friends will surely agree with me that I am 99.99% stress and 0.01% human.

One, two, there… breathe… wait what song do I hear playing?  Why is it that it wants to talk with me, the song has a message for me? I feel the words of the song have something to do with the things which happened for the past three years since the bullying moment happened.

THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST HOW I FEEL.

Alright that was a line from the song God gave me you, yes it was used as a song for a love story but I hope people will still find  another meaning for this song not just as a love song for couples.

That line keeps playing inside my head after playing connect the dots.

Yes connecting the dots, connecting past events to present events.

The reasons why past events happened are these present events, and later on the latter will be the reasons for future events; Cause and effect principle.

Friends, who really know me well, can justify that I love complaining, every time I have something to complain, check my fb wall, twitter or IG there is a “rant” or lengthy post like this.

I started hating myself for complaining for even little things, again, why?

This came to a point that to know what’s happening with me I asked them, Why DO YOU HATE ME? My favorite response is this:

“Well, what do I don’t like about you (is more preferable than asking why do I hate you)…

Let me start off by saying the obvious.

Well it’s more of self-pitying in hindsight but looking closer I think you just don’t believe in yourself too much. Trust me! You are a great person. Don’t be down just because somebody pointed out some nasty things at you.Which leads me to the next one… You believe whatever others say about you. You grasp on the negative things they tell you unconsciously leaving the good things behind. Sometimes we need to realize that we get to hear these comments so that we can change ourselves for the better. If it’s making you worse than before, then, something is off. Probably, it was constructive the way is was said or how you take it was constructive. You have to think now which is which. So who should be blamed?You have a low self esteem and strength of character. Sharing some quotes from The Mentalist, “sometimes you have to be an angel but sometimes being a bitch helps too’. Be a bitch once in a while. Show them who’s boss.”

Truth hurts right? It is hard to accept that all the answers you search for is right in your grasp, just an inch from you or even worse within you.

I don’t trust myself completely; I have lots of doubts brought by too much stress, which should not exist if I only trusted myself. I am the cause of the evil cause.

With this, it came to me that when I was a little younger I prayed unfailingly to God for guidance, for strength, for everything that I shall need to reach the success of my dreams and for my family.

Through the past events, I confirmed, for everything that I had experience whether negative or positive; for every headache, backache, stomach ache, heartache I felt; for every person I have met, terror or friendly, it was part of God’s blessings and answers for my prayers.

They were all part of God’s way of teaching me how to trust myself to make a move. Yes ‘til now I’m in the progress of learning what God wants me to understand and apply to life. And the process, it’s not easy, so much blessings of tough challenges and events is delivered every day.

ALL THAT I AM WORTH IS RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES.

Going back at the moment of the man in a green shirt, the answer why I hesitated to have a glance is that I didn’t trust myself.

I have doubts that because I was already stressed it may only be another disappointment if it was different from what I have expected.

At this moment, after giving time to myself to think, breathe and play connect the dots, I was reminded of his message that he never left me to face His challenges ALONE.

His angels had brought me to a place where I can meet people who will guide me how to understand and apply his message.

I found that place, I found that HOME.

Those people I have met from Home taught me how to see things in a different angle, how to see positives from so much negatives.

At first I came to them as a negative living matter, but because of their unexplained magic and unending trust, I learned how to see a different color from just a very bold one, how to see different shades and how to adjust from that shades.

And because of this, I am in the process of accepting and adjusting in handling all the negative things delivered every day.  It follows that little by little the answers, the strength and comfort I’ve been looking for in years are just right before me every time I will look at the mirror.

FOR THE MAN IN THE GREEN SHIRT

Well I still have to thank you for your presence that time, because if you did not show up, maybe my friend could not have thrown such statements and I will not have any answers for my questions.

Maybe I will have a different title for this note, thank you because you have been an instrument to realize that every problem, positive or negative experience; positive or negative people must be accepted because it is part of God’s way of answering our prayers.

Thank you because I have now my own meaning for “Shades of green”, and it is that every situation must be analysed, must be observed in different angle, a situation does not only bring us negative impacts but it has many  hidden blessings.

Thank you for the color of your shirt that day, GREEN the color of life, renewal, nature, and energy, which is associated with meanings of growth, harmony, freshness, safety, fertility, and environment.

However, I am sorry, If you are supposed to be part of this future, it was my fault that it didn’t pursue.

But thank you.

TO SHOW ME WHAT’S REAL.

This is how to answer “why questions”.

We experience all these pains, down, negative, harsh moments in our lives because God gave us a gift; The gift of life and as we pray for guidance and strength so we could learn how to use his gift well, he showers us with follow-up gifts, but in different forms.

It is now with our hands whether how we use and appreciate those gifts.

I am so blessed because my life is full of challenges, I experience all these because I prayed for it. This is the answer of God for all of my prayers.

In this process, I am learning to see the different angles of life, the most precious gift I received from him.

God Gave Me all these, because I prayed for it.

It is just fine to feel tired sometimes but we must not forget that “THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST HOW WE FEEL”, life is not over yet, there are unending possibilities ahead.

 WHERE TO START?

It is where I am now, this is the right time to start.

This is my first move, clearing all bothering thoughts inside my head so more space can be allotted to more important information.

Hey ME! You can do it, you can survive your exams and this course!

Remember there is still something about 0.00000001% in everything, try to search for the different shades of green in every situation.

*original title: shades of green written 2016.