Songs of a Hurting Soul

Zara: a twenty year old, a student attending university, a sweet-heart and a girl whose savage sense of humor which was accompanied by her strong voice, her attributes that many people described as open, happy and carefree, differ from the zara that is now seen. It all started when she stumbled upon "the one", as she had begun her journey to self realization.

Life hadn't taken much of a change since the introduction to her first set of classes or friends. It hadn't even changed in the first month of her relationship, as all that she saw was her love being portrayed rightly and justly to the only one she wished to share herself with. Her mind, heart and soul welcomed Abhay into her life, and for the first month, they did nothing but confess their love for each other by the day. Things started to take a fall when rumors grew more in magnitude, covering love under a dark cloud and provoking sadness, discomfort, tears, and negativity to slowly start setting in to the picture. But as the first showers passed by, they had decided that nothing was ever going to come in between of them, thereby declaring themselves to be "married". A month passed, and a storm came by again. Things went from bad to worse: crying turned to weeping, and nights became even more dreadful. Zara had found herself listening to sentences that stated "I can't do this anymore", "We need to leave each other and go our ways", "I'll still love you, but we're not meant for each other". Somehow scrambling to level ground from the mess the storm left and standing on shaky feet and buckling knees, she proved to her love that her heart, mind and soul was his forever. Until one bad move kicked her into the heart of an indefinite abyss. A lie to stop her man from presenting before them the past and its downfalls due to her flaws created a void in their relationship, threatening to see their journey together come to a grinding halt. 

It was her mistake, she curses herself even now for typing down that phrase. It was after that line did all hell break loose. A bond that she fought till near death to keep had now been broken and tied by a knot; trust was now shattered glass and hope vaporized, but fragments of love still remained. She spent times in the temple weeping, asking the gods to give her one more chance to prove herself worthy of his love and begging them to help her see light at the end of that abyss. But what she did not realize was the effect it had on her mind. To her, all that she could see was that she was terribly upset; what her love and friends saw was a dead, scared, anxiety-ridden, depressed girl, who lost all hopes in not just her love, but her life. Depression seemed to be a serious topic, and she had understood it's side effects after consultation from an experienced friend. Music stepped into her life, and proved to be her medicine by letting her express her emotions. Tear streaks and swollen eyes soon became part of her every day self, accompanied by an aching mind and a dead heart. Her behavioral changes were noticeable to everyone, including Abhay, who didn't really help as he claimed all her emotions and heavy heart to be near nothing or probably 1/10th of what he had faced due to that one lie and all the horrible events the past held. She didn't deny any of the sentences that came out from his mouth, for she had broken his trust and their bond and claimed herself to be guilty of mistakes she didn't make. Listening to those ear-piercing words would reduce her to tears, but she would silently wipe those away. Those days soon turned into darker ones, and all that she wished for was death. Coming to the conclusion that no one needed her anymore, and that she was a disgrace to not just her love but her family too, she took to pair of broken scissors and ran to the washroom. The process to end her life was interrupted by her friends banging open the door, grabbing her and throwing her into the room. What followed next was nothing but a blur, so was the conversation that she had with Abhay. Everything that day only settled after she collapsed on her bed in exhaustion. The following days didn't provide much relief for her, even though she fought to bring about change in herself. It all proved to be worthless, either leaving her with little or no happiness at all. 

Days passed, and so did months, but the situation refused to change. Time and again, instances from the past would be brought up, causing Zara to shudder in tears, or go through a mental breakdown silently. Making love was their only way of confessing their love for each other, and so was the momentary peace and happiness obtained after that. What she could never seem to understand was how he refused to see the love that she always had for him, why he never understood that her happiness lay in their relationship and it's strength, and that this was the case from the very beginning. Her friends provided her with "solutions", or sentences that she could only call "remarks". She sought for help... she sought for guidance to resurrect her relationship. The quest for his unanswered questions would be completed only when their relationship would either flip to the success side or fail side. After months of observing, she noticed that her relationship was nothing but unstable and broken, and she was it's physical embodiment. Her flaws were the valleys, her efforts to make him realize her love were the hills, tears of sorrow formed the stream of unconditional love, the setting sun that shone the last of it's brilliance between the mountain tops were her depictions of the her hurting mind, the birds that flew far into the scenic view were her attempts to fight back at any obstacle that stumbled their way. The rich, green grass and the soft trees that grew were the fruits of all their attempts to brighten up their relationship. This picture stood crystal clear in her mind as she decided to change her Whatsapp status: "Learning that leads you to less straighter roads". 

She kept her phone aside after she was done chatting, and looked at her status again. She then switched back to Abhay's chat, looked at his status, cringed a bit on the inside, and put her phone away. Any change in his statuses were only a mere reflection of their relationship to the people that he knew. "People must have inquired, he might just not be telling me", she thought as she took her phone, and opened her notes app, but her wavering mind didn't allow her to pen down her troubled heart. This journey did change her, she had learnt to be angry. She still looked at crying to be the only way out to portray her bleeding soul, but she now got to that stage a lot lesser than before. Sometimes she wondered whether or not she had the water in her body to release those trapped tears from her eyes, but they eventually came pouring out. Looking at her notes app icon, she remembered that it had been her habit of typing down every day ever experienced, be it the worst, or an average day, at one point in time, as she sought solace in the emotions that only she could word. "I've been with you for 16 months, and even now I can't gauge if you're ever going to lie to me again" is a line that she constantly gets to listen to. She knows that he now takes this relationship of theirs to be just a normal one, where no one really has to involve any thoughts for the near future, as it's now her choice. The future depends on her.

To be continued...