Today I got a scolding from my boss. he says I have become very proactive and disinterested in work.
I don't show the aggression he expects.. and that he's disappointed with my pace of work.
Can't really blame him.. each and every word he said is cent % true... I don't have the needed passion any more.
Not that the job sucks... coz it doesn't..its the best I could ever ask for or get at this stage in my life..
Hell..some would even say how lucky I am..
I am.. I know that..
But then why am I so lost and demotivated.. I wish I knew the answer..
Gun to my head... I am just bored.. getting up every day.. getting ready for work...sitting in front of a laptop screen.. googling for info
Reading tons of papers.. the same monotonous routine sucks ...big time..
The whole day i sit in my cubicle space..I count every second that passes by .. wait for the clock to at least strike 4 so that I can sneak out..
I even have a back up plan in case anybody catches me.. I am feeling sick..
Its been almost a month since I lost my interest... someday I had to get caught.. and I did..
And as karma's a bitch.. I not only got a good bashing from my boss.. but got a call from my boss's boss asking have I left already..
So yeah got caught red-handed that I snick out early.. and got tons of work to do in weekend...
To be honest I feel like one of those persons who's married for 40 years... just go with the routine... live the same life everyday..
And feel just fine.. neither happy nor sad... just fine
And I haven't even completed a year in my job.
I thought maybe i am not ready for a job.. maybe I need to study more.. get higher degree or something..
But I manage to screw my entrance exams too..
I don't feel like a mess... but I don't feel excited or fun as well... I feel just fine.
being at my 23rd and still unable to say what's my passion and feeling lost.. maybe its normal..maybe its not..
or maybe its just fine.
I don't know whether I should wait for something to happen on its own... or should I strive to find out...
I am in a state of limbo.. and just in the state of being.. is where i am.
sometimes I blame it on my single status... but I know its not.. being with someone has nothing to do with it..
I am just missing me... whom I have lost somewhere.. and the sad part is i am doing absolutely nothing to find myself.
I don't know what I am waiting for.. but it looks like a long long wait.
I wonder is this why people take extreme measures...
I have read once that there's a destiny for every person.. and that they work towards that direction voluntarily..or involuntarily..
and I have also read that every person doesn't have a purpose.. we are just supposed to do what makes us happy.. and spread happiness..
right now, I don't think I fit in either of the category.. wonder where I stand in this arrangement.. ?