I was scrolling down my facebook memory lane and saw my post a year ago. It's just my face showing four different emotions with a caption "Happy?". Then I looked back again on what happened to me last year. I feel pity for myself for struggling alone, for smiling outside but dying and breaking apart inside.
Last year was never easy for me. I experienced pain, rejections, loss of interest, pressure, and regrets which lead me to a "near to depression" feeling but I fought for it. I felt like I was alone facing those problems. I thought no one's there for me during the darkest moment of my life. Then, I realized it was me who kept my mouth shut. It was me who faked a smile in front of other people. It was me who distanced myself from the people who were willing to help and to listen.
I left my first job because my parents wanted me to. At first it was okay for me because I have time for myself, for my family and for my friends. I travelled and enjoyed everything during that moment but all of those were just temporary happiness. I began to lose interest in what I was doing because it's not what I want in life. I was not happy. I was not satisfied. I was too impatient to wait for something. I was too down because I cannot open up to my family on what I was going through. I didn't want to bother my friends because for me, it was a personal battle. Then during that time, a person left without saying a word. It was a very heavy feeling inside. I was like a walking bomb waiting to explode.
Faking happiness was never easy but I think I managed it perfectly. No one ever noticed that I was silently crying, that my heart was breaking. No one ever asked if I am really okay because all they saw was the smiling me in front of them, telling jokes and making fun of everything. I was too consistent in saying "Okay lang ran, wa taran sa'kon". I lied, but no one ever noticed. They were never aware that I was crying alone, sleeping late every night, thinking about things that I would do to make myself worth it. I prayed to God that despite everything that I've been thinking, I'll be able to hold on to this life.
I began to search for myself. I began to search answers for my question "What's the real purpose of this problems and pain?". But I never questioned God's plan for me. I trusted Him and surrendered everything to Him. I started reading devotional plans recommended by my friend, Nurse Kristel. It helped me a lot in dealing with every "NO" that I've got during that time. All the step backs in life that I've experienced were just signs that God is preparing me for something big.
Now, things are out of their way again. They are not going according to what I've planned. But this time, no more overthinking and questioning because I know God is just preparing me again for something that is really meant for me. He's just leading me to something worth it, something that I can find the happiness, contentment and gratefulness in my heart. I will trust His process. - tj