The day I lost him.

After a long time, I felt the urge to write tonight. Because nights are the most beautiful part of a day and yet the hardest. When the thought of writing came to my mind I was thinking about what I should write. I have a million unsaid stories to tell but I chose to put the thoughts running in my mind and what I feel in my heart right into words now.

My heart is like the endless depth of an Ocean the more I go in the more I drown myself into it. My life has always been a roller coaster ride. Be it happy times or bad ones I have always experienced it with the peak of emotions. If not emotions I don't what else would be left in me. I have had the brightest days and the darkest nights and scars that are invisible to all eyes.

I always have a question put out in front of me.

How do we move on from losing someone we love?

It may be due to the passing on or them growing apart or falling out of love. I have lost people for all these reasons. There are always millions of reasons for losing someone but how do we move on and accept it. I have a hard time figuring it out.

I don't think of myself as someone who handles loss easily. I like to believe that they still exist. I surround myself with their memories and their thoughts. Doesn't feel like they are away.

I lost someone who was very special and close to my heart. Even now when I'm thinking about him I can't stop smiling. He was my best friend and a brother. He loved me as his own and I will forever be grateful for that. Our relationship wasn't all roses and gardens. We fought like monkeys and insulted each other all the time but, always had each other's back. The memory of the day I lost him is still frozen in my heart. 

I got a call that he met with an accident but they said he was going to be okay. I rushed to the hospital with my mom. When I arrived at the hospital his family was there. I was talking to them but my mind was not there. I just needed to see him. That was all that was running in my mind. The doctors said that only 2 could go inside at a time and see him. He was in an ICU. I was shivering as I walked towards the ICU all I wanted to do was turn around and run away but I needed to see him. I needed to know that he was going to be okay. When I went in I did not even recognize the person that was lying in the bed. That can't be him. How can it? As tears rolled down my face when I was looking at him I was thinking.

He was definitely going to be okay and once he was I was going to give him a tight slap on his face for putting me through so much.

I remember that I was standing right beside him and continuously staring at that face hoping for him to just open his damn eyes and look at me. He was going to be okay that was all that I was telling myself. He was a boxer so he obviously had to fight this back. He was supposed to fight this and just come back to me.

The nurse came up to us and said we had to leave and that was the last time I saw him breathing. Before leaving the hospital I told his mom that he was going to be perfectly alright and once he was we will beat the shit out of him.

2 days later I got a call from his cousin. She said that he didn't make it. I just hung up the phone. Those words were continuously running in my head. I did not want to believe it. I couldn't. I opened my room door and gave my parents the news and locked myself back in. They kept banging my door but all I heard was a distant noise. I don't know for how long I was crying eventually I just fell asleep. The next day when I woke up I felt like there was nothing left in me. It was his funeral day. My parents insisted on me staying back home but I could not. I needed to say goodbye.

I entered that street where we grew up together. Chased each other around. Fought with each other. Shared secrets. The place where we lived our entire childhood. Millions of memories were screaming inside my head at the sight of that place.

That place was filled with crowds of people that day. Every single person who loved him was present there. He made a lot of friends and he always loved having them around. They all were there but he couldn't see or maybe he was. Maybe he was seeing all of us together and smiling upon us. I just walked past them into the crowd as everyone continued to stare at me. I walked into his house and did not utter a word to anyone. I went upstairs and sat with his sister. She is my sister too. She kept talking about him and saying stuff. She was talking about the times we spent together. About how he always listens to me and always supports me. I sat beside her holding her hand and kept nodding. I did not shed even 1 drop of tear. After some time I went downstairs and I was just standing in a corner. People were coming up to me and saying stuff like how could this have happened, it's not fair and all. Yeah exactly. That is what even I was trying to figure out. How could this have happened? and I have never been able to answer that question.

Finally, he was brought home. I went and stood beside him and just stared at him lying still as long as I could. I can't even remember for how long I stood there staring at him. Suddenly, they were taking him away. All his friends insisted on carrying him on their shoulders and that is exactly what they did. With every step he was being taken away my world came crashing down. It was like a never-ending nightmare. All I could hear was my voice screaming his name again and again. Someone was pulling me back. I kept screaming his name till I went dizzy and fell to the ground.

He was gone. I was never going to get to see him again. His laughter. His angry face. His sad face. Him crying. I have been through all of it with him and I wasn't going to get a chance to do it all again. I couldn't remember the last time I spoke to him. It was months ago. He promised me he was coming to visit me and asked my mom to make his favorite dish. That was the only unfulfilled promise he made to me. I regret not talking to him more often. I regret not spending more time together. I wish we could get a do-over with more time in it but I guess not all wishes come true.

I learned not to take time for granted then. To tell people we love that we love them. To make sure to let them know how important they are and what they mean to us. Because time is a bitch. There is so much I need to tell him now and I do but I just don't know what he has to say about all that. I know he is watching over me because he always had my back and he always will. I wake up to his laughing face every single day. I look at him and wish him good morning with a smiling face. I tell him stories that I tell none about. He is the only person who sees me cry to the dumbest things possible. I loved him so much. I still do. I always have and always will.

To whoever is reading this I just want you to go and give the people you love a tight hug and just tell them I love you. It is a very simple thing to do but that is all we live for.