The First Night after It all Ended and Began

She couldn’t sleep at all. Whenever she closed her tired, aching eyes, the same old memories started to play in a rushing slide-show which ended in the noxious fight she recently had with him. She had believed in him too deeply.

Again warm tears started to flow from her eyes. It was midnight and all she could do is to keep her weary eyes wide open staring blankly at the ceiling. Though her room was so dark, she could not really see the ceiling but of course she knew that it was right there. She continuously asked herself if she would ever be able to forget him because no matter what; the good times she had spent with him were the most beautiful of all.

May be he never loved her! - She wondered. But how could this be possible – NEVER loved her? Not even the time he was lying still on the hospital bed and she made him drink a little ORS as if he were a small adamant kid. How he cried that day though there was a smile on his face, he clutched her hand so tightly as though she will never be able to free her hand from his strong grip. Neither had she wanted to. And what about the time when at the river-bed; when the sun was about to set, she had sung the most beautiful song about how life ends but love sustains – He looked enchanted like he is struck somewhere deep in his heart. And what about those touches? Those lovely, caring touches – When she used to run her fingers through his curly slightly brown hair, her soft hands felt even softer when they caressed his cheeks, eyes and ears... and the kiss, the first time she had tasted love on his lips mingling with salty teardrops. They ALL were lies then. They had no meanings. All he had done was a way to forget his past haunting memories. All those tears and smiles were lies... or truth, holding some meaning in them, unknown to her.

May be it was not his fault at all. It was she and her stupid, concealed desire to be loved. But it was not the desire to be loved which made her so intensely engaged in him rather it was the desire to love a broken heart, to soothe his swollen eyes, to replace his unpleasant memories with loveliest of melodies. She did not have expectations from him at the beginning as much as she could remember. Then she fell in love.

The clock struck two making two bold dongs. Then again there was silence. She slowly began to sink in the silence and darkness in no time.

There must have been expectations from him in her heart, something to possess in return. Maybe unconsciously. Or maybe she had thought that for the first time someone will understand her value and never ever leave her alone. She sometimes felt sad at the end of the day, sometimes he was too harsh at her – but still she couldn’t help loving him unconditionally, sacrificially, and addictively. Then he also told her how much her presence meant to him, he also held her hands and kissed.

How could she be so mistaken then?

And it was not really a fight that ended it all for her. She couldn’t stop herself sending a long text asking him the reasons of his ignorance for the past two weeks and the unanswered messages she had sent him lately. And there came a reply, at last informing her about his new found “true love” and his busyness advising her that she should stop worrying about him and stop sending random messages which might lead to any further disturbance in his budding relationship. She gave no reply after that. Hence, it cannot be called a ‘fight’ at all. But there was a fight indeed- an incessant fight with herself inside her head and it had started to devour her all over.

She woke up with a jerk. Unknowingly she fell asleep may be for hours or for five minutes. Who knows! It suddenly became impossible for her to lie on the bed; she got up and checked the clock – three a.m. As she opened a window, a cold November gust of wind chilled her to the bones. Wrapping herself with a shawl, she sat inside the box-window and looked up at the sky. There were innumerable scintillating stars. Some, clustered with each other in a gauzy haze and some, stood alone, just like her. But they were all shining as if they were beaming at her. The sky was darker than ever. She felt to be getting lost into the impenetrable darkness; the only way to survive was to follow the stars. And there were galaxies she could see colours emitting from it – Yellow, blue and green forming splendid designs as if you were looking through a kaleidoscope. She felt a blue softness upon her paining eyes and maybe she fell asleep and it was all she had been dreaming of.

She dreamt of following the stars, sometimes even touching starry sparkles on her fingertips. Sometimes she felt to be transfigured into a star herself. How magical these things are! She wondered. And when she looked deep into the uttermost darkness, she found few more stars to be dimly shining, almost unnoticeable but she knew they were there. She felt something in her heart and did not know whether she cried or laughed, died or lived but she felt that for sure – She felt love.

It was more like an epiphany to her and then she knew that she was born to love – may be not meant to be loved but to love only. Like a lonely star she could brighten up the darkness and show her presence from light-years away. She had something inside herself that could make anyone restore his faith in love; make him believe that light exists even in seemingly unconquerable darkness.