There Was Never An Us

I just met you in a social dating sites that I never expected that everything could lead us at this point that I am the only one that was hurting. We had hooked up and had a great time together. The third time we met, I gave you myself. I thought in just a few days, I could changed everything between us. But I was wrong. And still, suffer in this kind of situation. Dirty talks, eating outdoors, and had a good casual sex.

I found you a good listener and a great companionship that's why I always want to be with you but I still in this sort of awkwardness feeling that I should wait first to your time to meet me up because I don't want you to feel that I am becoming so demanding to you even though deep inside of me really want to see you most of the time.

There's a moment that I try to confront you through chat that If you want us to be in a relationship, but I was so frustrated that you told me that you weren't ready to be in commitment, either in a relationship. I keep myself in the track because I know that woman cannot please a man that aren't ready to be in relationship. Hence, I stay like this. Every time we were together, I keep on staring at you like crazy, thinking that having this cup of coffee and talking together that we are a cute couple but in reality is not.

In every time we met, I expect changes from you. In every time that you hold my hands, I feel that this will be last forever. How long will I wait for you to be ready?

I break all my rules because of you, but I don't blame you for it because it's my choice. I know what we were doing is wrong. But doing wrong feels so good. The time that you came upon my life changes a lot. The thrill, the positive vibes, and showing the other side of me to you.

At the first moment, I was confused but now I am sure that I fall in love with you. Yeah, that's a big word. LOVE. In a situation like this, that word is forbidden. I couldn't say, "I love you". The last time I told you that almost tear us apart. So I marked myself that I will never say it that to you, instead, I will make you feel that how much I love you, that that I can hold up and stay with you in this kind of relationship that we can't give a label. I should know how to control my feelings and my emotions towards you.

Yeah, I know that everyone will hate me by keeping this way. But this is my choice. 

"To be with you is my choice of happiness".

PS. To be with you is my choice of happiness....that can lead me in excruciating pain at the end of the day.