There's This Girl and There's This Man

There’s this little girl who loves reading books. She loved books so much she would rather spend her free time reading than play with her friends. She grew up with a mindset of never falling in love, never depending on the opposite sex, and all that she ever needed in her life were books.

She broke her silent vow. She hated someone so fiercely. She hated her jester of a classmate with all her heart. He’s just a boy teasing her relentlessly and she’s always at her wit’s end, frustrated and angry. Cliché but it turned into a “The more you hate, the more you love” story, only one-sided. This girl became friends with that boy and they became best of friends. They graduated, promised each other they’ll take the entrance examination together for high school. However, said boy didn’t even bother to apologize when he failed to show up on the examination day. She was alone in a sea full of strangers. She’s the kind of girl who retreats inside her shell to avoid people. She’s the kind of girl who hates socializing. And she’s the kind of girl who’s surrounded with people talking about love and experiences that made her realize she ‘loves’ her so-called best friend.

She’s the kind of girl who moved on by meeting someone kind and warm.
For the first time, she imagined herself wearing a wedding gown. She’s shocked how long it took her to envision herself in a pristine white dress and matching veil. She’s the kind of girl who fell in love with his kindness. But, her poor heart got broken for the second time around. For he never look at her the way she looks at him. She became too sad. Happy but most of the time, sad. It was this kind of pain: a fresh wound slowly healing.
Then, came this boy from the other side of her cellphone screen. This girl turned into someone who loves too much or not at all. She’s the kind of girl desperate for love, pretending to have deep affection for him, turning it to real emotions. She’s the kind of girl who fell in love with his promises and vows of love. She was happy. Happy yet always jealous. Jealousy is her enemy. She encountered the ugly side of love and kept the monster inside her locked up. She thought he was the one but she was wrong.

They fell apart. He, loving someone else; she, picking up the broken and shattered pieces of her heart; the cruel and vicious creature inside her, surfacing for some chaos. She’s the kind of girl who became angry with the world. She’s the kind of girl who's in the deepest part of chasm formed by anguish, hate, and self- loathing. She’s the kind of girl with morbid fascination. She’s the kind of girl standing on the very brink of sanity. She’s the kind of girl laughing madly at her misery and crying at her insaneness. She’s the kind of girl hurting herself physically to reduce the emotional pain she’s enduring. She’s the kind of girl who shows a blank look whenever someone asks her why her arms are covered with red marks. She’s the kind of girl who will do anything to overcome the squeezing pain in her heart. And that might be the darkest phase she ever had in her life.

The only good thing being heartbroken has brought to her is she became more studious. She focused more on studies, letting anger fuel her passion for numbers and letters. For she reasoned: numbers won’t ever lie to her no matter what. Another year passed by. She became the girl who chooses imaginary princes over real ones, the girl who loves fantasies unconditionally, and the girl with 'crazy' stamped on her soul. She’s the kind of girl who swore real male species are not needed in her life, in her survival. It’s going to be an amazing year, she decided, and I would never look at another boy again. She’s the kind of girl who thought she’ll never fall in love again. And let it be known that she never fell for another boy again.
And then, a man walked into their four cornered room and turned her world upside down by saying he would be teaching them for the rest of the semester. He’s the one she had a crush on her freshmen days. A little crush, she joked, will inspire me to do better in class. She said to herself that it’s just like a normal student crushing on her professor, one that would pass with time.

But the joke turned into something deeper, one she refused to acknowledge because that can't be; he's a professor, and she's a student. Days passed until she can't wait for her classes to start so she could see him again, stare from afar, and hold her feelings at bay. She’s helpless with the string that pulls her closer to him. Every time she sees him, her tiny fragile heart would always feel like bursting with colors and feelings she hadn’t felt for a long time. Every day is bliss whenever she caught a glimpse of him or heard his voice, clear and heart-wrenchingly beautiful, reverberating across the empty corridor.

And her happiness grew a thousand fold. Thanks to her friend who made her burn with jealousy that made her act irrationally. Days, weeks, months, she’s been dreaming of him. She’s the kind of girl who would feel so happy because of a very sweet dream about her special someone. As time passes, she began to accept her feelings, her love for him and the pain it accompanied. She knew she’ll never have a chance with him. She’s the kind of girl with nothing to boast. Except my grades and strange but beautiful dreams, she thought. And he’s her professor. That’s one line she couldn’t cross. She has fallen. Again. For the fourth time. For the first time, she fell in love with a man. And this time, every emotion, every pain, felt so foreign and heavy with uncontainable excitement and foreboding.

She’s the kind of girl who’s unraveling at a fast pace, leaving her breathless, just because he simply smiled at her. Then, the news of him leaving came and it broke her heart. She’s racing against time. She’s torn between confessing or not. She readied herself for everything that might happen. Everything changed. She gathered the courage to talk to him but through texting only. Then one thing led to another. She was so ecstatically happy. Days turned to weeks, and they’re still talking to each other, about everything, about themselves. She fell deeper in love it brought tears in her eyes.

She’s the kind of girl who’s used to unrequited love. She was ready for the heartache that will follow. She calculated the years, number of books and anime, she needed to move on. She gave herself the talk on which she blames herself for allowing herself to fall for another real human again. She’s the kind of girl who’s so saddened by what will happen that her gloomy mood made her friends worry about her. She’s the kind of girl who compiled letters, words, she wanted to say to him. She’s the kind of girl who believes in come what may. She’s the kind of girl who said

She’s the kind of girl who always,

assume the worst. She’s the kind of girl who loves contradicting herself. She didn’t want him to leave. A day without him makes her yearn for him more than she would ever admit to her friends. What more of him leaving for good? And she’s the kind of girl who didn’t see one thing coming.

She didn’t see that he would love her back.

He’s in love with her as much as she’s in love with him.

And to this very day, she still can’t believe it. She still tears up whenever she thought of that fateful day. She still reminisces all the things that had happened, wondering if everything is just a dream. She’s the kind of girl who would write everything down because she love words (especially his words) that she hope would bring out a smile from him.

She’s the kind of girl who’s in love with him despite of all the despites.

And that man is you.

And I’m that girl.

I love you, Adrian.

More than words. I love you until I cease to exist. You’re the only one I would love to spend my whole life with.

-Judelle