She just stood there, a few feet in front of him.
So close, yet so far.
"Go on," he said. "Spill it already. I should be home by 6." His tone was full of emotions: rage, hate, bitterness, coldness; and he didn't even bother hiding it.
"Adrian, I-" she reached out and took a step forward; wanting to touch him, wanting to hold him and wrap him in her arms. But he took a step back, as if she was a monster he wanted to get away from.
Feeling dejected, Mia looked down, a single tear flowing from her eyes. She's doing her best to act strong but so far, she's failing. She quickly wiped her tear because she doesn't want him feeling sorry for her. She wants him back in her arms, not to feel sorry for her. But why would he feel sorry for her? She did deserve this, after all.
She looked up and saw Adrian, trying to keep his guard up. He doesn't want to fall victim to her again. He's through with her games. He's tired and he just wants to get this over with.
"I don't have all day, Mia," he said. "What do you want?"
Mia swallowed the big lump on her throat. "I-I just wanted to say...I miss you..." The last three words went out as a whisper but Adrian heard it just fine. "I know you're doing great now. You're better, happier; no longer in pain because of me. And I'm really really happy for you 'cause finally, you've found the happiness you've been seeking for." There was something in her voice, sadness?
Because I'm no longer part of what's making you happy, she thought. I'm no longer part of your life. It was hard enough to admit that. Even harder to see Adrian in the arms of another girl.
"Where are you going with this?" Adrian asked, his voice still cold but a little softer now.
"I know you're doing great now," Mia repeated. "I know you don't ever want to go back to where you came from. I know you don't ever want to experience the pain you've experienced with me. I know you don't ever want to love me again. But some part of me hoped, some part of me wished that maybe, just maybe, you still have even the teeniest tiniest feelings for me and that it's not too late to start over again." She paused and took a deep breath. She'd never done this before. She'd never ever swallowed her pride for someone because she thinks it's a sign of weakness. And she doesn't want to act weak. But if swallowing her pride is what it's gonna take to get the person she truly loves back, then so be it.
She took another breath and looked at Adrian in the eye. "Because I still love you, Adrian," she said, doing her best to fight back the urge to come to him. She knew he'd just step away from her again. "Please give us another shot. Give me another shot and I swear to God I'll do better this time."
Adrian snorted. "Lemme get this straight: First you tell me you love me. Then you made me love you back. Then, after we became official, you play with my goddamn emotions, making me jealous and all those shit. Then you literally cashed me out. Then you dumped me. Then you treated me like shit when I decided to stay by your side. Then, now that I'm finally moving on from you, you're gonna tell me you miss me and that you still love me? Do you even know what love truly means?" He gave out one cold, bitter laugh. "Well, fuck you then!"
Mia looked down, not wanting to see Adrian explode. He wasn't like this before. He was kind and sweet and gentle. He'd never sworn in front of her, much or less at her. But, because of her, he changed. Mia broke his heart so bad that he became a three-horned demon, or so that's what he call himself.
"Adrian, I'm sorry." She bit her lips as tears started to fall from her eyes. She didn't wipe them anymore, though. She couldn't care less anymore. "I know what I did before was wrong. Please Adrian, I'm sorry." Her voice was wavering, desperate to make him believe she's really sorry. "I never really meant to hurt you. Like I've said before, you we're too precious to be hurt. I only did that, all those things, because I wanted you to-"
"To what? To find my own life? To realize I deserve better? To move on?" He paused. It was his turn to look down, his chest rising and falling rapidly. "You never meant to hurt me but you did," his voice softened as if he's feeling the pain all over again. "You broke me. You shattered me. And I'll never be the same again, all because of you." He looked up and looked at Mia, hatred visible in his eyes. "And now you want me to give you another shot? To give us another shot? So what? So you could break my heart all over again?"
Mia didn't say a thing, only bit her lip as tears continue to flow from her eyes.
Adrian looked at her. "I'm happy now. Can't you just stop and be happy for me?" He softly said. He felt something in his chest as he continued looking at her. He once swore to her she'd never cry again. But look at her now. He wasn't used to seeing her like this. She was jolly and bubbly and was the weirdest person he knew. But now she's crying and falling apart, all because of him.
But, throughout the year, he'd been like this and what did she do? Nothing.
"I'm sorry.." Mia whispered.
The wind blew her words to him and he heard it perfectly. He heard the sincerity and the guilt in her words. But he's afraid. He's afraid to get hurt once more.
He sighed. "Hey, listen. To be honest, I don't know what I want. I don't know if I still love you or if I want to get as far away from as possible. But I do know what I need. You we're cruel, Mia. I gave you all I had and you just dump them all in the trash. I loved you so much, I was ready to die for you."
It was true. Adrian loved Mia so much that he can't afford losing her. He'd rather die than lose her. And knowing that made Mia realize for the nth time how wrong she was, letting him go.
"I still care, I think," Adrian continued. "But I don't want to hurt you the way you hurt me. That's why I'm acting like this, because I want you to see the reason why you did all those things to me in the first place. I don't deserve you, Mia."
"No, Adrian." Mia replied. "You're wrong. It is I who don't deserve you"
Adrian gave out a soft laugh, "I guess we both don't deserve each other." He smiled but it was gone in a second. "I'm scared of going back to you again, Mia. I'm scared of getting crushed again. I've learned how cruel and painful love is. I can't love you again," he shook his head and repeated. "I can't love you again."
"One last question," said Mia, after a long pause. "Am I really your death wish?" Adrian nodded slowly and Mia feigned a laugh despite the grief she's feeling.
Adrian knew it was a sad laugh but he can't help raising an eyebrow at her. "What's funny?"
"I just find it pretty ironic," answered Mia. "I was - am - your death wish. But you we're the one I've been wishing for for so long." She stared at him and smiled. "It just took me a while to realize that."
She looked pass him and saw the sun setting. It reminded her of the time she and Adrian spent, just sitting there, talking and kissing and enjoying the dusk. "I forgot. I have something for you." She reached for her backpack and fished out a small slate-like rock. "You remember this?"
Adrian stared at it in awe. It was his present for her on her 14th birthday. He found it near a waterfall when he and his family went on a summer vacation. He wanted her to take care of it. And she did.
"Ever since you gave me this, I've valued it so much that I kept it on a small desk near my bed so that every night, before I go to sleep, I'll have a good look at it. And be reminded of you." She fondled it, stroking it gently as if it was a hamster. "I don't know how, but this rock gives me strength every time I hold and look at it. But ever since we broke up, I kept it inside a crate of unused things to never see it again.
"One day though, I was browsing through a crate of at our garage, looking for a book I wanted to reread, when I felt something hard and heavy. I took it out and saw this rock, all dusty but as good as ever. I was already missing you back then so I took it up and placed it back in its original position, on the desk near my bed." She stroked her thumb across it and smiled, "This time though, it gave me the satisfaction. The satisfaction of knowing that you once cared for me before.
"But then I realized, all those times, it wasn't the rock that's giving me strength. It was you who was always there for me, giving me assurance and strength. Knowing you were always there for me made me strong enough to keep moving forward. And now that you're gone, knowing you're better now is enough to keep me moving on."
She hesitated for a while but decided to take a step forward. When she saw him didn't move, her heart skipped and she made her way towards him.
She's in front of him now and she could perfectly see him struggling to keep his guard up. She's confusing him. She's confusing him and it's making her hate herself more. But she had to do this. It's the last item on her list before she finally let him go.
She reached for his hand and turned it over, gently placing the rock on his palm and closing his hand for him. He felt the cold smooth surface of it and thought if it has always been this cold.
She let go of his hand and said, "I want you to have it. You didn't just give me a rock for my birthday, you also gave me yourself. You we're a shoulder to cry on, Adrian. You we're a brother, a best friend, a protector, a prince. You we're my everything. But it was too late when I've realized that." She smiled as she stared in his dark brown eyes, a tear falling from her left eye. "Now I'm returning this rock to you. Along with it, I'm returning you to yourself. You weren't permanently mine, Adrian, and you never will be. Now that it's all over, I'm returning what's rightfully yours to you.
"You we're my rock, Adrian. But I think it's time to let go. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. You were my rock for a long time. Now, be a rock to yourself."
He didn't know what to say. He wanted to say a lot of things like "Why are you doing this?" and "I can't believe you for this" but he can't find the words to tell her that. So instead, he looked down at the hard blackish rock and said nothing.
"I'm letting you go now, Adrian," said Mia. "I just have one last gift for you."
She reached for her bag again and fished out a compact disk case. She held it with two hands and stared at it before handing it to him.
His hands were sweaty but the case didn't slip when he held it. He stared at it and wondered what was its content.
"Consider it a moving on gift," she sadly smiled.
He looked at her. He opened his mouth and was about to say something when she unthinkingly hugged him. Tight.
"ILoveYou, Adrian," she said. She pulled away from him and stared in his eyes. He was staring into hers, too. And she could easily get lost in those eyes.
Without warning, she softly planted her lips onto his. He was surprised but closed his eyes nonetheless. He could taste the salty tears in her lips. He could smell her familiar perfume. He can't help but think Damn, I missed it all.
I missed her.
And that was what she was thinking, too.
I missed him.
The kiss lasted for a few seconds before Mia pulled back and smiled. It was now a smile of happiness but you can still trace the sadness in those lips. She was thankful for the times he was with her. But it's time to let go. And this time, she will truly finally let him go and be genuinely happy for him.
She stared in his eyes as she reached for his hair, feeling his locks in her hands one final time.
"I'm gonna miss you," she said. "Goodbye..."
And with that, she turned around and walked away. Away from the pain, away from him, away from his life...
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