This Time Apart

If you break someone's heart and they still talk to you with the same excitement and respect, believe me they really love you.

I read this line from a friend's timeline. And it struck so hard. Because the line exacts what I feel for you. I do really and seriously love you. 

It has been a year when I first discover my affection for you. Because I've always denied harboring special emotions for you. I have many reasons to do so. You were younger, immature, bitter and not ready for the kind of life and company I offer. In short we have this gap that is so hard to bridge.

For several months I manage to fool myself. But when the idea of you being with someone else occurred to me, that's when I realize I like keeping you with me. I was so used to your company I always long for you. I thought of you first whenever I encounter something interesting. And that's because we have so much common interests in life.

So I felt jealous seeing you with others. Coz there's a lot of them. The sad thing, I couldn't express this feeling to you, or to anyone else. Because I have a reputation to protect. So I continued pretending unaffected. But deep down I'm slowly crushing.

It was the most stupid thing to do when I let you become part of my life even if you're hurting me already. Knowing you won't even consider the idea of liking me is enough to breakaway whatever bond we have. But no, I couldn't just let go of you and every good thing we shared. You have been a part of some of the best moments in my life.

I tried opening my heart to others. I looked for new company and was successful enough to have someone who made me forget you for a while. But then it's always been you that I wanted. It's always been you that I look for. It's always been you I wanted to share special moments with. It's always been you.

So I tried fighting for whatever is left for us. I tried to bring back the bond. But there was nothing left for me. You drifted away without me even noticing. To make things worst, you gave your heart to someone else. I died the day I learne that.

It's just so hard for me to live normally. Because there is nothing more to look forward to. You're gone and it's real. I lost you completely.

I started avoiding you then. I work so hard and took so many trips to distract myself. But whenever I'm left alone with myself, I'm always reminded of the pain of losing you. But eventually, with the help of friends, and new company and environment, I started to smile again. It felt so relieving. Because I never though I'd ever smile again the same way I smiled with you.

I come back and decided to see you again. It wasn't the same but it wasn't bad as well. So I continued seeing you. But when you spoke of her and your times together, I felt overwhelmed with pain. I cried and cried again. I pity myself for feeling hurt. I just don't deserve it.

I have given my whole heart to you. I tried becoming the best person for you. I walked you through your struggles. I've always been there for you. But I still ended being broken and shattered.

Now for the last time, I'm deciding to let you go. And I'm deciding to let myself free of being hurt from loving you. I'm letting go of every tiny hope of us. I'm letting go of all the special memories we shared. I'm letting go of the possibilities, whatever they are. Because I know that I deserve to be happy even without you. I don't know when and for how long, but I'm sure someone new will come in my life and make me thankful we didn't work out.