Thoughts About Friendship

Friends. When it comes to friendship I don’t know if it’s silly and sometimes stupid or it’s just a natural thing for everybody but I take friendship seriously. Sometimes overboard, honestly. I don’t know about you but me, I don’t take it half-heartedly. I don’t go around making friends just for the sake of having someone to be there for me. Or I am bored. Got nothing to do. Or just because I am feeling lonely. I have no idea if it’s bad, not saying it is, not saying it’s not, we have different perspective about things anyway. Meaning I consider someone as a friend because I want to. I saw something in them that makes me want to get to know them more. Talk to them. Be with them and stay with them.

Always at their beck and call, yes that’s me.

A go to girl, yes that’s me.

A shoulder to cry on, still me.

Sometimes even when they’re kinda tight with their budget, they need to borrow money--yes that’s still me but not every single time though, that too sometimes is my problem.

I’m not counting, that’s not the purpose of this. Actually I’ve been thinking. Thinking about the times when I’m always there with them when they’ve got problems, when they need someone to tell about it, to let it out and ask for advice. I’m not really good at giving advice though coz if it’s about relationship I only know one advice; break up with him. Haha, not bitter just….I don’t know if you’re not happy anymore and it’s just a cycle, the fights, same old ones, just keeps on repeating, over and over again, why stay? Well as always, they told me easier said than done. Whatever, I’m out.

Let’s go back to thinking, anyway I’ve been thinking, no actually I already did it here’s the thing: One day I thought what if I stop making myself available? Not to lie about being busy because I am always busy anyway, because in the past no matter how busy I am I always make it a point that if ever my friends need me, I am just there, even when all I can do is pat their shoulder because let’s face it I do not have the power to lift off someone’s cross to bear sometimes even when you badly need to help you can only do so just within your capability and sometimes it’s just ain’t enough. So there I did it, not making myself available I mean. Started focusing about myself first I’ve been neglecting it for a long time now. I said this to a friend that yes I always thought that it is much easier to think about others’ problem rather than mine. And as always she’s always right that I’m just running away from mine so the question is.. when will I ever start to think about my own problem? I don’t know how to answer that, though.

Nope. I am not a very kind person. Truth is I am selfish and self-centered, most of the time that is. Selfish in a sense that I do not like sharing my friends to other people let alone just some stranger who just come all of a sudden and had the gall to get in our friendship.

Is it natural? If yes, please do tell me.

Self-centered. I’m always thinking about my pain more rather than them. I do care, more than enough but sometimes when my friends hurt me like real deep, I can’t help but hide in my cocoon and just lick my own wounds and refuse to let them in. I don’t want them to see me that way. Broken.

Is it natural? If no, please do tell me why.

If you maintain distance.

If you stop making an effort.

Stop talking.

Act like you don’t care.

Will they make an effort to talk to you?

To ask you what’s wrong, to make sure you’re alright?

Yes. My friends do care about me.

Yes, they got worried.

Yes, they missed me.

But not all of them.

Not everyone stayed.

And sometimes those people you never thought will do that? They did.

Does it hurt?

Absofuckinglutely.

But hey, at least you know who are real, and who aren’t.

The ones who cared enough to stay. And refuse to go even if you keep pushing them away.

And if you. If you found a friend like that,

My friend I am telling you,

That is a treasure you must keep

For not everyone has that, and some still looking for that.

Lucky are those who found that.

So be thankful.

Make sure to let them know that, yeah?

So as for my friends who stayed, I will be forever grateful that once upon a time, I have found you----no, more like you found me, that’s more like it, yes it is.