To the Keeper

I have been distant to you lately.

I hope it isn’t torturing you much as it is…

To be honest, you’re so easy to get along with. Like a sponge, you absorb everything that’s told to you. And I am touched by that part with you the most.

To be also honest, I am scared.

This is my first time being involved in this battlefield called “love” but then you are willing to take it cautiously. Even fighting for the both of us.

I honestly have no idea handling such “couple” responsibilities, and what a good partner should, or should be not – but we aren’t even in that stage at all. We are not… I am not sure. I don’t know.

All I know is that we are still at our “getting-to-know-stage” but I do want to apologize if our subtle skinship overwhelms me. I did cross the line sometimes.

But the foreign feeling, the sudden rush of static – as if the butterflies scatter rapidly and clog up my insides to the point I can’t breathe. I cannot explain it in a discreet manner. But really, it is putting me off the edge.

It’s too much. It is too weird.

I still cannot guarantee my feelings for you. As it has the possibility of wavering, changing like the weather.

I am confused, still, truth be said.

And I can openly tell that to you, and you being you. You’re willing to wait as long as seasons pass because you know I’ve been wounded. You’re careful. You’re willing to take things slow and not pressure me cause you know too well that I’m still adjusting…

For me.

You said that you’re doing it all for me.

I don’t really deserve you, dear. I truly don’t… but how can you keep on being so kind for my sake? Will it be too much to ask for you to be cruel?

Because it will be harder to let go of your clutches.

I do appreciate you.

Your efforts, your words, and the way you show how much you care.

For waiting for someone so stubborn, and lacking.

For respecting and understanding my side; no matter how intangible it may be.

For trying to make things bearable for me, for being gentle with me.

For making my days suck a bit less with your simple efforts.

For loving someone who thinks they’re unlovable.

For being there, for me.

But more on, I feel sorry. Because all I think of is myself.

Me, me, and me.

You don’t want to see me hurt, but what am I doing in return?

How about you?

Aren’t you hurting as well?

I want to apologize for concluding such things that made you hope for something more. In the midst of pressure, I didn’t want to let anyone down, you included.

But me liking you, that part was not a lie.

Dear, I must also say… I do like you, a lot.

But I am not sure if I can give you more than that.

I don’t know.

My mind is a storm-like mess, the kind where I can’t even handle it sometimes.

And I don’t want you to get involved in the depths of me.

I cannot cause any more casualties.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for how cruel and selfish I can be when someone gets too near.

I’m sorry if I try to push you away when all you intend to do is to get close with me.

I am sorry for being like this. But I am grateful of how understanding you can still be – after all the storms I am causing you – when I can’t even manage to grasp my own thoughts.

I am not ready. I cannot handle such things at this point of my life. This matter is still too much for me to process. My mind and heart is set for somewhere else at the moment.

I don't want to say we didn't work out. But we tried.

Though one didn't try hard enough...

This is still not the time.

But I still can’t help but to be scared.

That maybe you might get distant if I cannot return your feelings for me… What would I do if you leave?

I value the bond we’ve created more – our friendship.

I know you feel the same way, too.

I know that too well, dear. And I’m really thankful.

But for now, I want to let my thoughts tranquil. And let my heart at rest.

For the last time, I do hope you keep on being the understanding person you are.

Please keep on being the wonderful you.