To someone I still love (An Unsent Letter)

This could be the last letter I'll write for you.

It's been hard for me, everyday. It seems like I'm playing an endless game where I lose everyday. I thought I was winning, but I was wrong. I know you don't care anymore. You've moved on, right? You've finally found someone else. But baby, lately I've been thinking if those things that you're showing me is real. I mean, do you really love her? Or you just wanted to replace me so you could forget the pain I caused you? Those hundreds of times that I caught you staring, what does it mean? Those smiles after we talk, what does it mean? I'm confused baby, help me. I'm so broken inside. How could you do this to me?

The truth is, I'm really not okay. I'm just pretending to be okay just so my friends won't mind me anymore. They've been tired of me. You're all tired of me. But it's fine, I'm tired of myself too. I don't want to live anymore. I just want to feel nothing. I just wanna be nothing. Thousands of times I tried to kill myself, but I didn't because I WAS hoping you would change your mind eventually. But no, you won't. Even though I cut my skin deeper, even though I shed a ton of tears, even though I drink all the alcohol on this world, tried every drug in this world, YOU WON'T COME BACK. And that fucking hurts. And I'd rather be gone in this stupid world than to know that truth.

I've been enduring all the pain, shame and emptiness for so long. I'm telling you this because a day might come when I can't take the pain anymore and maybe end my life. I'm sorry if I can't keep my promise that I won't kill myself. You didn't even keep yours so, it's fine, right?

I just wanna tell you that I love you still, and always will. Treat her better, don't break her heart and please be happy. I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. I love you so much. Don't blame yourself IF I gave up on my life. No one has to be blamed here.

As you've received this, I haven't ended my life. Or maybe I really won't. I'm really sorry to bother you again. Maybe this is the last. So for the last time, I love you, always.