You were inked in my heart deep within. It’s been 4 years that I have been hearing about you of how you are just like me. I was consistently told, that you are like me- in your ability to take decisions and make them right, like me in your unbound thoughts, like me vocal and forgiving at the same time, like me in rising above the materialistic world, like me in standing with people forever and always no matter how many times you have been cheated and betrayed, like me in dispelling myths and questioning the illogical, like me in comprehending the incomprehensible! But you turned out to be very different. This perception of you gathered over the years triggered my desire to meet you in person one day. I was sure that one day I shall meet you in flesh and blood and tell you how I have known so much about you, without ever speaking to you or meeting you, but I guess this was too much to ask for.
Needless to mention I know this letter shall never reach you or somewhere I shall never want you to read as written by me, but I put my thoughts together because I am compelled to thank you for helping me discover another part of myself. You know when I was in 7th grade, I participated in the poetry competition and I got the 2nd prize. While I was happy to get the second prize, my friends, some off my teachers and my family thought I deserved the 1st place. Thereafter for series of contest I only got 2nd or 3rd prize, while I did my best but nobody ever told me what should I have done to get the 1st prize. This 1st position eluded me always. Then during my 10th grade I was nominated to be the school captain however for some reasons I was made the vice-captain and someone else was chosen over to be the captain. Years later I was told that there was a trade-off. I was denied the role of school captain so that I could be awarded the best outgoing student. Illogical it sounds but yet another reason was my dad wasn’t connected to the Principal and the one who was chosen to be the Captain visited the same church!! Bias or just my illusion whatever you name it but the happiness of being the best rarely chose me.
History repeated itself during my higher secondary school and I had to again compromise and stay satisfied by being the house Captain. During my Higher secondary school, while I made the best of opportunities given to me, went on to be the best speaker in Hindi at Regional level and 2nd position in English at Nationals, you see the position 1st at Nationals dodged me again. For Hindi we never qualified for nationals!!.
I wanted to be an administrator with a degree in medicine. I know I had the flair and the intelligence to crack through but life only got tougher in its game. Destiny denied the very basic right of opportunity once again. I know this sounds like a losers plea to blame the world, the fact is let it be, this defines me. Then came this challenge to find a career I picked the only available opportunity to study law and there on I become a corporate lawyer. Those 5 years where never easy. I knew nothing of what laid ahead, all I knew was that those few years would determine my future of about 15 odd years. 15 years I say as this was my personal target to fulfil my additional responsibilities before which I could be set free once again. I had to find a job to sustain and support in creating opportunities for my siblings. From spending the nights at the railway platform to boarding the long distance roadways bus in the wee hours of chilled winter mornings, I went through the entire loop of what is called as life. My best chance of survival was – giving the best in whatever I had. I never really had options. I was mocked at for everything that was beyond my abilities from the oversized clothes that I wore to the candid perspective that I had, nobody knew that it was the best that I could afford. But I was determined to make it and finally I did. For once in these 5 years, I got the coveted award for being the best in India but it came with a prize I paid subsequently. Nevertheless this work paid off. My spanning career of 8 years is no less than a miracle. From the day I held just 100 INR to today when I feel I am paid more than what I deserve, I guess the loop has come a long way in my professional aspirations. The best is yet to come. Looking at myself in the given circumstances, I feel I did my best. No regrets and given a chance I would never change one bit of my beautiful journey. But you know during the course of this journey there were millions of questions that echoed in my head. I wanted an answer to them. I could answer few, but plenty remained unanswered. Those unanswered thoughts come alive sometimes in some circumstances. You would ask me why am I even telling you this, it is because I learnt one day that if you don’t reach the destination never cry, your journey shall speak volumes of you. Don’t despair about the final loss to death live in between to the glorious epitome called life. To the battles I lost, I don’t give a damn, but to you, my one battle I feel cajoled to ask, why did I lose you! Weren’t you just like me? Risen beyond all that matters? As I said in the beginning, you were inked in my heart. You would say everyone has right of choice with no compulsions and not everyone you choose is obligated to choose you, there I ask- did it take you 4 years to clearly communicate that I was just another option for you? The obliviousness of my existence is unable to comprehend if someone like me could also choose to keep someone as options. That one day when dad had met you, he came back excited. He was extremely delighted. He said clearly- “he is just like her, there cannot be a second him, this guy is the best”. My mother who has never met you or ever seen has never spoken to you refers to you her “jaan”. She told me one day “meri jaan ka khyaal rakhna”. The other day she said “pairs are made in heaven, god makes the other somewhere, we just find them on earth.” My beloved man! You have been quite exciting. I remember my numb trembling hands at Lucknow airport when I was deplaning. I had received the first msg from you. I had showed it to my siblings without letting them know how nervous I was but to be honest I was trembling that evening. It was like confronting the most awaited event of life! I had received the msg from the one who was just like me. Man! You helped me discover that I can also fall in love with the illusion called you! I lived in realities all my life expect for this illusion called you. You know I never asked where you are from or what you did because all my answers were that you were just like me. It is heartbreaking to know that your aren’t at all like me. Had you been just like me you would have known what is feels to keep people as plan B, emotions as plan B something that I would never do.
I know in few months you will walk out and with you will crash my delusion of believing that for once I could get what I desire to choose. I get this feeling of playing chess with life and trust me the game gets interesting. Someone wrote to me saying I was beautifully intimidating!! Someone said once “…you are at a different plane, it needs a different constitution to discover you. The other day a married colleague said- we are the travellers lost on the way but you are that destination any man can seek for. A gentleman went ahead to name his daughter after me hoping that one day his daughter would grow up to be just like me and so on and so forth. You know the most interesting part about these men is that I have never spoken to them except for once or twice on a professional note.
The irony is that while my expectation was just a man I could grow old with, everyone else thought it was money, power, position or looks and the fact is none of this actually matters. These 4 years knowingly or unknowingly you have been part of all my dreams. Be it watching the blue skies or listening to the melodies of 70s and 80s or spending the evenings at the bank of river Seine or driving the alpine in the Alps, your shadow has been the only constant. I actually believed that you were the one made for me!! As I stand at the brink of facing the truth right, moments before my delusion would actually fall apart, there is an excruciating pain rising within me. This pain is resonating the loss that I shall be coming to terms with in few months to come. Thank you my shadow figure, you helped me shape up 4 years of my life. It was easier to hold you, it is way harder to let you go.. but I know I have to just let you go. No questions asked, no answers expected.