To The Beautiful, Elizabeth

Hi, Mama. It's been 3 months since you left us.

The day after we took you to your final resting place, I thought I won't cry again. I thought the acceptance inside me was clear. I smiled at you for the last time because I don't want to send you crying and sad.

But the next day, I woke up crying. All the grievance, the voice and the wild cry I couldn't let out that afternoon, all manifested in my dreams. I dreamed of grieving about you, lying on the floor, shouting, crying like a kid, hugging all your clothes and your belongings, shouting "Mama!". It was a painful morning, my first morning not having your presence anymore.

The next days, weeks and months have been very difficult for us. To RR as well, because she doesn't talk much about it. She just missed you and hoped that you were still here. She would often mention things that reminds her of you. I'm sure she regretted things a lot as well.

There's a lot of things I regret when I lost you. One of those is my patience. I wish I was more generous with that. As well as spending more time with you.

I guess, there will be a part of me, even the littlest, that will always grieve over your loss. I will never forget our memories together. How you used to take me to school, scold me, hit me with things when I'm being "pasaway", how you became a real mother to me, regardless of our blood relation.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to give you a grandchild before you even passed like you always wanted. I'm sorry I still couldn't give you the wedding you want, like you always anticipated. I know you've been asking me to marry and all. But we both know it's not that simple. I wish I could've given you more. More hugs, kisses and I love yous. Bring you to places you've never been. But you know my struggles. And you accepted it. And you understand. Even if keep on comparing me to the successes of other people.

Thank you for raising me, Ma. And for giving me all the love a mother could possibly give. You made me experience life, more than I can wish for. I'm grateful to you.

I thought back then that I needed to meet my biological family to be whole. But when I lost you, life made me realize that I am complete and whole all along. Because of your love and care that I kept on bypassing back then, especially when I was young.

After that day that I dreamed about grieving you, you never visited me again. Never felt your presence again. I miss you so much, Ma. Wish I could say it forever, that I love you very much til my next next life.

I will see you again, our souls will meet again. And I will always choose you as my mother.

I love you so much, Mama.

I hope you're watching over us. Give me the strength I need to face what's ahead of us. Guide me in every decision I'm about to make for us. Guide RR, always.

I will write again, and I hope the next time I come back here, I can share you a lot of happy memories about to happen instead.

I will see you again very soon.

Your forever daughter,

Robeliza