Unhinged

I capped my pen and set it over my paper like a white flag raised over the beams of a besieged ship - spent of strength and weary of fighting. Of the little pride I had left, I had no use for. I will not drive myself to madness nor guilt over a few uncertain answers. Fail or pass, I slept 8 hours throughout the night before after skimming 2 out of 6 assigned chapters and those were victories unto themselves in college. 

Call me Unhinged when I overturn my answer sheet and shrug away the anxiety of failure and the image of my family's sighs because I know my sanity is more important than whether I shaded B in #43 correctly or not. 

 Call me Unhinged when instead I would grasp the metal in the frame of the open window and watch the parade of clouds as they swirl about shaping themselves into the outline of countries - of Germany, Russia, China, Iceland, etc. When I recall Luke Howards and understand why he would marvel at these tufts of white that seemed to be within reach but are farther than me surviving four years of this place alive while I try to love something so noble but I feel that isn't for me. 

Call me Unhinged when I know my privilege of getting into an institution and receiving an education and come home to a place where there's a roof over my head and a soft bed to lie myself down to sleep but still feel like I don't want to be here. Call me Unhinged when I want to get away from all the things I have knowing full well how others would die to get half of what I have now.  

Call me Unhinged when I don't really care. 

Call me Unhinged when I too want things others have and when I fall to this irreparable cycle of looking at the seemingly greener pastures of people who are doing the same. 

Call me Unhinged when I do not have the courage to break it. 

I am unhinged.