its one of those days today where i can't stop writing as i feel so so surreal with my feelings today it feels as i if i am on a roller coaster ride with no end, it feels empty in my stomach, i feel like to throw up but I also feel to eat a lot. I feel weird, I miss you. I slap myself for missing you, tick tick the clock a'int stopping, I throw it on the floor, screaming your name, bawling at the floor.i can't stop crying, I'm hurt. really hurt. I throw pens and papers all over the room, bang my hand on the door, cry as i feel my tears slowly and slowly, slipping on my cheek as if I've never felt them this close before. I can't breathe now so I get up to get some water, but I fall again. I crawl towards my kitchen, I crawl through the stairs, and I break down. the most terrible break down I've ever had. I bawl towards the ground, I can't drink the water because I can't stop crying. I scream, I'm upset, I scream hate yous, I scream all sorts of abusive words I know, I cry again. what the hell is wrong with me, I finally get myself together, its 4 am now, its been 3 hours that I am lying on the floor and crying. i sneeze as I realise its really cold and I should get cosy in my bed but I don't. it feels as if i am freezing in the feelings of self hate and I just want to bury my thoughts of giving up but i continue to lay down on the floor hitting my hands on the floor, crying like a 3 year old, screaming, bawling, screaming, wiping my tears, hitting myself against the wall and then finally slept there on the floor. peaceful enough to get myself a cup of coffee later that morning, played the pretending to be okay game in the daylight, and then hiding under the covers. I wasn't like this.
what did you do to me?