Why do I reject people?

10 years ago, I rejected the boy who loved to give me flowers and candies.

10 years ago, I did not talk to my crush again after knowing he liked me.

7 years ago, I did exactly the same to a friend. We were just 10, for Pete's sake.

2 years ago, I rejected the guy who was asking to court me. The reason? Well, crushes and love are not my priorities.

A year ago, I avoided people who expressed their admiration to me.

Weeks ago, I did exactly the same thing.

And today, I did it again.

It's not my arrogance acting up. Nor my standards. I've had crushes since I was 8 but I never had the guts to confess. Why? Because I fear rejection. Apparently, whenever I find out that some people admire me, I step back. I'm afraid, holding out the rejection cards in both of my hands no matter if I like them or not. Despite of this, I tell them the reason. And I'm telling you, too. You can't like me. I don't deserve admiration. I'm too broken and bruised to be admired. Every single day, I strive to become a better person. Every single day, I struggle to live. All of these walls that I have made, they are not for me. They are for those who would try to know me. I'm afraid that once you find out who I am, you will just suddenly leave. I fear that the most. Yes. I. Am. So. Afraid.

Of love? No.

I'm afraid I'll break more if I let someone in my heart. Because I am not the girl you just like because of looks and figures and wit and talents. I don't like like. I am way more serious when it comes to love or say, crushes. And short-term feelings are not for me. I want someone who will stay. I need someone who will.