You Let Go First

“I love you but if you’re hurting, I will let you go.”
“You broke up with me not even considering if I agreed to it or not.”
“I noticed when you broke up with me.”

  These are the few lines I received when I broke up with you. I broke up with you. That’s what you call it - not when we broke up. You made it look like it was a one-sided decision. Like the blame was all on me for ending our relationship. But here’s the thing, we broke up and you didn’t do anything to not let it happen.

  You know what I feel? I feel like all this time, I was really the only one fighting for us. You might scoff right now reading this. You might be thinking, “You’re the one whose mind has always had the idea of breaking up with me.” Well that is true. But everytime I got tired of all the fight and said it to you, your line was like this, “It depends on you.” It had always been like that.

  Whenever I talk to you about my issues, your first reaction was getting mad and frustrated. Mad and frustrated at me. Mad and frustrated at yourself - and of all the things that goes into your life. Then you went thinking about me next.  You went thinking about how angry, helpless and messed up I was on that moment. And that was just when you were going to understand.

  I was there when you had no one to lean on. I was there when you needed me a million times. I had been there for you even if I was breaking inside, heart shattered into pieces, but not caring because I always wanted to be the comfort you seek for. I was always in presence.

  But where were you when I needed you? When I doubted myself, and pulled it into the darkness, when I couldn’t think of any positive thing but the idea that you love me… You knew me. You knew my personality, and of all people, I counted on you to understand. I had these demons inside my head. I always had negative thoughts. And you knew all about that. You knew I was getting paranoid and eventually, I drew you tired and found me annoying.

  I felt alone during those times I was drowning deeply into melancholy.

  All I had ever wanted to hear was for you to tell me that we were going to be okay. That things would be better. That you love me so there’s nothing to worry about. But instead of reassurance, you just let it all be slipped away - including us.

  You were my happiness but you took that away from me when you said that it’s better if I don’t have you. That I don’t deserve someone like you. Then what do I deserve? And why in the world couldn’t I get it from you?

  Now, I’m telling you, you let go first. I just had no choice but to second the motion.