Fragile

We met online. Both were in very vulnerable phases of our life. I just broke up with my 4-year boyfriend who cheated with a colleague. He just left his job. He said he hated that job. But without it and the routine it created, he was going through an awkward period he called “rehabilitation”. We were both only looking for “a friend to talk to”. Of course, we both knew it was not true. We didn’t see each other as only friends. But we also didn’t have any intention of turning this into something more than friends. He was in Berlin. I was in Hanoi.

We called each other twice a week, on Wednesday and Saturday. Even when there’s not much to say, we still called. Outside those agreed times, we hardly texted each other. It was that kind of relationship that is just hard to define. He slowly became a routine for me. A little treat that I looked forward to. I didn’t know if he felt the same.

- It’s much easier to share personal stories with a complete stranger. Right? – he asked in one of our conversations.

- Yes, less judgment. Fewer consequences, too? I think.

- You know what, you almost feel like my “other Nick”.

- “Other Nick”? – I giggled.

- Yeah - he laughed softly.

He has a warm laugh that goes well with his deep voice. I felt like sitting in front of a fireplace every time we talked.

- I used to read a lot of self-help books. And they always mention this one thing. Reflection - He stopped for a few seconds, but continued when I didn’t say anything – So, I just started spending some time before bed reflecting on my day.

- Like every day?

- Yes, every day. After a while, I made up this “other Nick” that I talk to. It’s just me talking to myself. He is like my unconscious mind.

- Hmm, I think everyone has an “other Nick” like that. But yours is like… I don’t know. More official?

- Yeah, you can say so - he laughed again, then lowered his voice.

- You’re just like him. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if you’re real or not.

His words came out light and clear, floating in the air like tiny fire particles. It felt like he had been thinking about this for quite some time.

- Of course, I’m real... Or am I?

I joked and we both laughed.

But for a moment there, something crossed my mind. Is he?

We developed a strong bond over time. We know a lot about each other, and quite a lot about each other’s friends and families as well. Both love analyzing people. Both have too many thoughts to process alone. Both are very private and not used to sharing this much with another person.

Well, to be honest, it felt like we know each other well. Yet, I sometimes realize I actually don’t know him. Who he is, what he has gone through. What I know might just be the tip of the iceberg. This hit me the hardest after every video call, seeing his tidy room and smiley face, which felt strangely familiar, yet so unfamiliar. We did more voice calls than video calls. He sometimes took me to see the mini garden on his balcony. I once persuaded him to take me outside, down the street. He took me to a park near his apartment. In exchange for that, I took him to see my neighborhood and the seafood market nearby in the next call.

- Should I start introducing you to some of my friends now? – he asked around 8 months after we started talking.

- Why?

- I start to mention you and my friends are curious.

- Well actually, I think you need to introduce me to Kate first. Seriously, does she still think I’m your therapist or something?

- Yes, yes, Kate. She asked about you too.

Kate is the girl he was dating. He met her around 4 months after we knew each other.

- You think it will be okay? – I asked after a long silence between us.

- I think so. You don’t like it? Just a quick hello. No pressure.

I fell silent again as my thoughts started wandering.

- You know what? If someday you suddenly disappear. I can do nothing about it. I mean I have no other contacts, no address. I just know there’s that park near your place.

- Well, that’s why I’m introducing you to my friends. You can grab Kate’s WhatsApp, just in case haha – he joked but I didn’t laugh along.

- Come on, why do you think of that all of a sudden? What are the chances?– he tried to reassure me.

- I know. I was just wondering.

I talked to some of his friends, just simple greetings. I saw them a few more times when Nick called me while drinking with them. He didn’t introduce me to Kate. They broke up 3 months later.

I did go out with several guys during the time we talked, but all of them only lasted for some months. Nick only dated Kate. He got a job around the same time he met her. Before that, he already took up some freelance design deals but stopped when he got that job. It was a well-paid job, but one he also hated. We had a bet on how long he would last there. Unsurprisingly, he left his job in May and decided to do full-time freelance.

- So, quit my job and lost my girlfriend just a month after. Guess I’m at a low point now.

- Pour it out. I’m here for you.

- Nah, it’s not too bad. Life can’t be awesome all the time anyway.

- Yeah, highs and lows.

His schedule and my schedule didn’t always match. There were months we only called once a week. There were months we only called once or twice. But we made sure the less we called, the longer those calls lasted. He talked about his plan to travel the world. I talked about my online German class. Little by little, I start to think of him more than I should.

And then, one day, one normal day just like any other day, it happened. I texted him around 10 PM as always and waited for his call. But 3 hours passed and no answer. So I just guessed he had some unexpected plan, or he could have just fallen asleep again. It was a busy month. I texted him again the next day, still no answer. Weekend trip at some deserted place? Or did he lose his phone? I don’t know.

I couldn’t call him on Tuesday too. I kept trying to tell myself it’s okay, he must have his reason, but I knew something wasn’t right.

There was no heads-up. He just didn’t reply, neither call nor text. So I kept texting and waiting, hopelessly.

- Hey, is there something wrong? I can’t call you.

- Heyyy, if you are busy, at least just send me a short text. I’m worried.

He never replies. The texts are never seen. For some weeks, I merely functioned at work and couldn’t sleep at night, drawing up a million ways to explain his disappearance. I would constantly check and reload my messages, then run through our last conversations in my head for a million times. Did I say something wrong? No, we even reminded each other of the Saturday call before hanging up. Did he get sick? He didn’t look sick though. Did he find another girl and didn’t want her to know about me? Maybe she didn’t let him text me back. Shouldn’t he at least sneak a short message? Or… did something bad happen? I don’t want to think about it. I felt like I could go crazy.

It would be better if I could see his active status on the app. At least I would know he was still there. But there was nothing. Just dead silence. I dreamt of him once. I went to find him and he was standing on his balcony, watering the plants. I called his name but he couldn’t hear me. I woke up and just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling until morning. Should I go find him? Even when he is just an online friend, should I go find him? If there was something more official between us, maybe I would. But who is he to me? Who is he? I don’t think I even know him. I don’t know if he is even real. But still, my chest felt hollow every time I opened our chat. That void inside me kept growing and growing. To the point where it felt like I could float. Nothing matters anymore. If life is this fragile.

Two years have passed. All the memories between us are neatly packed and placed into a tiny hidden drawer inside my heart. I know it is there but never open it again. I slowly accepted everything. Life moves on. A new project at work kept me busy enough to stop thinking about him.

But once in a while, it all came back. Like today. I received the book “South of the Border, West of the Sun” by Haruki Murakami on my birthday. And I am reading it, crying. Memories keep rushing back. Here we go again. Time did its job. I don't remember exactly how he looks like anymore. But the feelings are still intact. It's like in a dream. His face is blurry, but I know it's him. I remember everything. It all feels real. So real. And I just sit there, watching all these feelings eating me up.

Winter is coming. I can taste the cold in the air. And through my tears, I think I see fire dust flying.