What kind of feeling is this?

We broke up.

It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would be. He was a liar. A big liar. The whole time I have been deceived. He’s got nothing. He’s got nothing so he had to make up something to keep me hooked. He made up a lot of things to be fair. I felt it from the get go and had tried to give him so many chances to come clean. But he was too afraid to be himself, he had little to no self respect. So he decided to stay under his perfect cover, living on the edge, trembling each day, knowing that day will come when I figure all of this out. Or maybe that’s what I thought. Maybe on his side, he was just trying to play this game for as long as possible and didn’t even care if I find out or not. And it was the last straw yesterday. I tried to be as nice as possible when breaking up with him. He sent his last text telling me to take care and how guilty he felt and that he regretted everything and would accept any kind of punishment. I couldn’t care less about punish anyone now. I couldn’t care less about him now.

So it doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would be. But there was another kind of sadness that I can feel. It’s light, it’s confusing, it’s hard to describe, hard to explain. But I feel it. Now and then I still find myself grabbing my phone to check if there’s any new messages. And I could clearly hear it in my mind and feel it in my heart, I was desperately hoping for a message from him. Like old times. Not exactly desperately, it was more like a muted cry, an out-of-breath scream. It doesn’t soar up inside, it’s just swirling slowly and keep lingering on my mind the whole time. Sometimes I feel like I’m running away from it. I try to keep myself busy, cause I don’t want to feel it. It’s light, very light. But a part of me is afraid that if I stop for a moment and let it sink in. I would break. I would burst out in tears and cannot stop myself. And that’s the last thing I want to happen when I’m with my family. It’s the last thing I want to happen when it is because of someone so unworthy, because of something so trivial, because of a naive mistake of mine.

I don’t know how to feel right now. This is so weird. Sometimes I just wish I were alone now. In my little room in Hanoi. I would cry my heart out and they it’s done. All these feelings would be gone. Or would they. I don’t know. At least I wouldn’t have to think about how I’m supposed to feel and act now. I can just cry, alone, for almost nothing. And no one would know. No one would ask. I wouldn’t have to explain myself. I wouldn’t have to try to explain myself to myself in case some one ask. I hate this feeling. It’s like having a little rash, it’s not that serious, sometimes you don’t even feel it there. But it’s there, and you do feel it sometimes. You try not to touch it because it might hurt. It’s there, a trivial annoyance, but it’s there and it is secretly sucking away your energy.

To be honest, I had always been 1 milimeter from the truth the whole time. But I refused to look at it. It took me less than 2 minutes yesterday to figure out all his lies. What had kept me blinded the whole time? I think part of it was that I decided to blind myself. Because it was too good for me. I was in a vulnerable phase, deciding to quit my job, losing weight uncontrollably and losing all my motivations. I was almost depressed when we met. So I clang onto him to survive, to sooth my heart and my mind. His stories, his presence and caring acts were what I needed at that time. So he sold it. And I also tried to sell it to myself. Looking at the bright side, it was like a temporary illusion to keep me sane. Did I know it was an illusion all along? I more or less did, I was highly suspicious. So that’s why it doesn’t hurt that much. It’s just like finally realizing a naive childhood dream is not real or when a wild wish not being granted. You’re a bit startled, maybe just for a millisecond, then sigh, then shrug and nod lightly. Then you forget about it. Cause it wasn’t worth it. Or you might cry, like when you were a child, you might cry, cry for nothing. And then you wipe off the tears, then you stop. And you forget about it. You will laugh about it years later. I hope these feelings will go away soon. I might even make something out of them, turning them into something positive. I don’t know. Right now, at this moment it just feels like I’m sinking down slowly, blurry mist surrounding me. And it’s a little bit hard to breathe.

A little song suggestion for those who are going through the same feelings:  Bright side of the moon - Christian French