25

I remember how pathetic I felt the day I realised that I wasn't able to feel anything other than sadness, when I'd look at friends and classmates of my age with their families. Seeing them being daddy's little girl, mama's sweet boy would trigger the buried anger and frustration in me that built up exponentially after I lost my father.

It was the time of my life. Everything was going much better than I had planned. I nailed the only job interview I had attempted, I was one of the best scorers in the last semester of my bachelor's, I performed well in the interview to get into my master's program, and eventually became the first one to get an admit in one of the best European programmes. It was the first time I felt like I had made my parents proud, they were both so emotional. A day I would cherish forever. I really couldn't have wished for more. It was all perfect. I remember expressing this excitement to my mother claiming "I can't believe how well this year (2019) has been going so far for me! This is definitely the best year of my life. I didn't know I could be this happy, it's almost like a dream, impossible to believe that nothing bad is going to follow this" and my mother immediately stopped me saying "Don't throw these negative words out randomly, just focus on following up with the next steps, (which was enrolling into the master's program) and being happy". Little did I know that these clustered "best days" were only supposed to last that long. I lost my father, and that changed everything in our lives. In my life.

It took me at least 3 years plus the pandemic, to stop feeling sorry for myself and genuinely feel good for others who have the opportunity and time that I didn't. I was in a dark place that translated into a cursed, burdened living. I never thought I could be truly happy ever again.

Things started changing gradually, and I started seeing a different version of myself. Not related to pre-2019 me, not related to post-2019 or post-pandemic me. This version is the latest mix of the quarter-life-crisis and getting my first job. I am on a learning curve here. This experience is full of revelations, discoveries and enlightenment in a way I'd not known before. I now feel good looking at others happy, even if I'm not a part of it, even if I can't have anything even close to that for myself. I'm happy just knowing that I'm not wishing Ill for anybody. I have found peace with the fact that some things change forever, and you have to take your time to accept it and remember that this path is not easy. There will be times when you would get all the negative feelings and traumatic memories rushing back to you, but these waves will not drown you anymore. You've grown with the waves, and now you know the only way out is to bring your surfing board, and learn how to surf! Meanwhile, let's not forget how great that can be too :)

Today at the family day in my office, someone asked me "Don't you feel sad seeing everyone else walking in with their families? I wish I had the optimism and excitement as you to feel good about it". That's when it struck me, how detached I was from the whole situation. Thinking about the kids, the parents, and families spending a good time made my heart smile, truly. And this is just one of those days, when a realisation strikes you, and you revert it with a smile that makes you feel stronger, happier, calmer.