A letter from the girl you broke her heart

Hi,

I know I should’ve sent you this a long while ago but I hadn’t the courage to really tell you how I actually felt. I wanted you to think you were insignificant to me and that your absence wasn’t something that affected me. I wanted you to think that you walking out of my life felt as if any stranger had passed down and disappeared at the corner of the street.

But it didn’t feel that way.

As you left, I felt lost and devastated. Your arms were the only place I felt comfort with and the only place I could associate to ‘home’. You made me learn to love myself, to love my body, my crocked nose but most importantly my messy and chaotic mind. You had made me learn to love those sleepless nights and look forward to them so I could enjoy in silence the dawn. You made me listen to new types of musics which somehow revealed parts of me that I hadn’t met yet. You made me laugh from my heart whenever you made fun of me for saying ‘Sandy’. You made me learn that whoever wants me will do everything to see me happy and that I should know my worth. You made me smile whenever you opened my beer without me asking you to. You made my heart race whenever you put your soft fingers in my hair and then gently caress my face. You were able to make me forget my childhood traumas by leaning your body against mine.

You made me learn how to love.

As I said, when you left, for the last time, my heart broke into billions and billions of pieces but I knew I had to keep strong for myself. All I had left was a the couple of photos we took and the endless memories we shared. From the laughs to the fights, I cherished everything that made me hold on to those happy times.

Looking back to what we had, our relationship didn’t have anything that was much different that any other one between two lovers. I think that any girl my place would magnify and call hers different even though it isn’t quite true.

It was different yes, but only to me. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever encountered and the thought of you made me feel euphoric.

You were some kind of drug to my gypsy soul.

Maybe I was foolish to ever think it was last forever, or maybe I chose to look the other way to enjoy the few moments we were ought to share. And then you left, leaving me sparkling and broken, trying to mend the pieces I of my heart that were left untouched.

But I didn’t fill my heart with anger, and I did not resent any kind of hatred towards you because you had me learn many things which I am eternally grateful to you for.

I thank you for all the times my heart tingled and a smile filled my face.

Now, that I’m okay that I have come at ease with the thought that each one of us went to his own way, I still feel nostalgic about we what we had because you are the memory that will pop up whenever I think of my first love. I know for sure that you are someone I’ll remember till I’m old and grey even though I have become a blurred memory of your irrelevant past.

I know I should’ve told you all of this earlier and maybe it would’ve made you stay, but I cannot bare the thought of you staying by my side just cause you felt empathy. I wanted you so stay by choice not by obligation. So, if you wanted to stay, you wouldn’t have hit the road, but that’s okay. It’s okay and it was the right decision.

Maybe I should’ve kept all this to myself, because maybe you not going to read this, but I had to get rid off of these thoughts and wanted you to know that I forgive you for making me cry and fully comprehend your decision. At the end of the day, nothing haunt us like the things we do not say.

I forgive you for the tears I could not dry.

Many saw you as an awful person, a heartbreaker because you give me no reason to move on: you just left me, without saying a word, without saying why. I saw the good in you, and I still believe you did not know ho much your decision would affect me. To be fully honest with you, I must admit I couldn’t understand why at first but slowly slowly I made peace with the thought I never will and didn’t really try to figure it out. It was meant to be this way and I had to go on. We are puppets in the hands of destiny, boats in the oceans which are our paths, and for that things don’t necessarily turn out the way we want to but we have no choice but to accept our fate.

Many will break my heart, and I will keep on going on.

I still hope this reaches out to you, and that you find someone that will make you feel the way you made me feel: special. And, I also still hope you have a successful life and that all your wishes come true.

The last thing I want to say is that I just ask you to think about me once in a while, and look at the sun and remember how I laughed during dusk on that warm evening of July, with sand in my hair and made you smirk by the way I took a breath of that salty air and called myself a ‘child of the sun’…and… for a fraction of a second… I was all you ever wished for.

Love… Always,

A girl writing to the one that got away.