a letter from me to you.

I used to be so eager to write. I used to be so excited so…damn, I can’t even find the right words anymore. They’re just gone; away, some place, never to come back. Just like you. Dear god, how much I want you back in my life.

Do you remember those times we spent on that one bench on the park? We used to laugh our asses out and flirt like eager teenagers. I remember your glimmering eyes and the way you bite your red lips, those lips that I used to kiss with so much tenderness and so much love. I had loved and that was such a long time ago. Now I’m lost between words, that I can’t even make something as simple as a love story. I had changed so much without you. A part that I could never take back.

I promised that I would walk with you down that aisle with your hand on mine. I promised a day with you in Venice, in that canal that you used to love in Instagram. I promised a trip with you and your heart. I promised a lot of things and now I can’t say a single word to you.

I want to apologize for everything I have done. The list is endless and I have always been a sinner and nothing could change that, and yet, you were there for me. I miss your forgiveness.

I can’t just write without you. I can’t live my life without you. Its cliché but you loved my clichés, you explained that they gave my writing more personality, how they add more of me into my work. Now, there’s barely any of me in my writing. Now, what I write are empty words longing to have any meaning in them.

I don’t care if I have to cross river Styx or defy God and the angels up above. I don’t care if I have to defy all of the laws of Physics, I don’t care for the rest of the world, I care for you and me only because we are the only two that exist in our world and no one else.

Your white dress, your crimson red hair, your contagious laughter. Your hipster glasses. That scar on your leg that you hide from the world. Those freckles on your cheek that I used to kiss all the time. Your ugly birthmark that I have always found fascinating. Your eyes that reminded me of the sea that we used to swim on every summer. And your scars under your arms that you hide from the world. Those scars that you made to remind you how much you have hurt and how much you have felt and cared and loved and hated. The scars that added more into your vast personality, the scars that made you whole even you were broken and needed mending. Those were the scars that kept you alive.

I wish that I could turn back time, to when you had made those linear scars on your arms. I wish that I could go back to those days before you mark yourselves with those lines. Before those days that you bled for the people you cherish the most. But mostly, I wish you’re here with me, right now, reading this with that wistful smile on your face.

I know you could see me right now, in this forgotten hotel room that we used to spend our time together when we were in college. This place reminded so much of those days when we used to get drunk and wasted. Hell, we don’t even have sex; we just end up falling asleep in each other’s arms, in each other’s warmth.

I long for your hand, that sweaty palm that you used to wipe on your shirt before you shake someone’s hand. I long for the way you bite your lips, oh you know that I love that. I love every inch of you. The entirety of the world means nothing to me without you. Please, please come back.

I can no longer find words to write down. I’m lost in this world and the world after this. I wish to see you again, to hold you in my arms. I wish I could go up there with you, up in the skies above, where paradise awaits us. Your memory still lingers in my head like a broken slide show. I wish you’re smiling up there as you watch me down here writing this piece of me down in this computer. Yeah, I’ve downed two bottles of wine, so what? We used to drink so much here, right?

I’ll write more, don’t worry. I know that I might be shouting these letters into the void of oblivion, into the ever expanding space of the universe, but I know that you could hear them, read them, and eventually, feel them, because I know that your soul is eternal, your soul is pure, and that your soul is beyond anything else in this world. I knew that when I saw you for the first time.

Don’t worry. I will love you from where I am right now. I hope you love me from where you are right now, too.

With all the love in the world,

K