A Note For Mom

Mom.

She is the brightest star in my life.

Her laughter is like wind chimes, echoing peacefully as it dances in the air. She has the sweetest smile I can't forget.

She is a proud warrior. She resembles a Greek warrior, no, more like Athena. She is proud of her battle scars, the scars that she gained from winning every life's challenge. She do not give up.

She had never showed me her tears. She was afraid that her children will see her vulnerability. Even if she was in pain, she still held her head high and strong.

I watched her.

I watched her actions, to her way of speaking and also her body language. She was mustering up her courage, so that her children will follow. She was selfless.

I was never a fan of her.

I am confused on why I am writing this. She never was like the heroes I watched on the television. I don't know why I kept on writing this down, for her to read this? No, she don't read online. Maybe it was for me. For all the things I had gathered, to the unspoken words in my mouth, and to the feelings never showed. Maybe this was for me. A way for me to express my words, because she was an inspiration to me.

So here it goes.

There will be always a memory with her that I will forever cherish. It's very long and I hope you have patience to read this, it was this time:

I was very ill on a weekday, I was supposed to go to school, but I couldn't. I was very weak, I couldn't move my hands and roll my eyes. I huffed in pain as my fever increased. I was all alone that time.
My mother was working that day, she only went home if her shift ended. I was waiting for someone. For someone to tender me. I was crying much in pain that I didn't realize I fell asleep.

I was woken up to a faint sound of lullaby, a gentle hand caressing my cheeks, up to my hair, combing it slowly, as if not trying to wake me up. I slowly opened my eyes, a medium sized bear blocking my vision.

Boo!

I heard it spoke. It moved, backing away from my field of vision and was put on my side for me to snuggle the light brown bear. As I moved to my side, I saw her tired hazelnut eyes, looking after me as she wiped away the sweats trickling and forming on my face. I noticed the box on her right side.

Guess what, it was my favorite, donuts.

She told me I can eat those after I get well. Boy, that made me happy. I cannot forget that, every single time I pass by a donut store, I always remember this, and will forever cherish this memory.

I am always proud of her.

Like I said, she was not like those heroes in the television, but more like a goddess, who wanted to protect what she cherishes. Even if she chooses the wrong decision, I will accompany her. I will not get tired of her. I want her to be by my side, to be in our family's side.

Our similarity? Maybe stubborn headed woman. Haha, that might be it. Her determination? Nah, I give up easily. Ah, she was also an introvert. Like mother, like daughter. She was quiet, but not too much, she didn't speak if it's not needed. Maybe the fact that we like peace, the type of tranquility on a lazy summer day.

This next paragraph might be too much for me. I mean, I'm not the perfect child. I committed mistakes too. I hurt her with my words too. If only I could take back these words, I would take them back and rip it.

I hate you.

I regret saying that to her. Everyday. Everytime we get into fights, words come out from my mouth like venom and inject my poison to her. I am still regretting it, it was one of the biggest mistake of my life. I'm guilty. If only, I could take it back, I would. Even if I grovel down and plead for another chance to fate, I would.

Hmm, what do I admire the most to my mom?

I admire her wounded heart. I mean, almost all moms carry the most painful wound in their hearts. But they keep it secret. They don't want anybody to know. They are strong, they don't want to be a burden, that's why they cover it up. For their family's sake, and for her beloved cherished children.

My earliest memory of her... She was the one who reached out a hand from the darkness. I mean, everybody else has a dark past that they don't want to describe, this is one of those. But I'll elaborate some parts of it.

I sort have a nightmare since I was a child. It was not my fault that I kept on wailing. My father got irritated and threw me outside of the house. It was past midnight at that time and I was like five or four years old. The night was long at that time, the dogs were barking and howling as if they can see something, and the darkness was engulfing my presence slowly.

There was no light. I couldn't see a thing. I kept on crying and wailing for hours, wanting to be saved from the darkness who scared me throughout my whole life. I was about to give up until I saw the front light shone brightly. The front door opened and it revealed my mom who was anxious and worried of me. She caught me and hugged me. I missed that kind of warmth. In the end, she scolded my father and they fought for days. I guessed my mom forgive him after few weeks.

I am not a honest child, but this is my confession.

Mom,

I know we are both shy to express our love to each other. But you know I don't hate you and you don't hate me too. I wish we can be more open to each other. I hope that we can still fix this. This broken pieces. I'm sorry that I couldn't say this words to you, as you see, I am very shy. That's why I wrote this. If you ever found this, on this app or on my account, please take time to read this. Since this is very long and I am still writing this at twelve twenty-six in the morning, I just wanted to say thank you for everything, I want to say sorry for all my mistakes and I had always tried showing my affection to you. You will get angry at me again for staying up late so I better wrap this up.

I love you mom.
Advanced Happy Mother's Day!

Love lots,
Your daughter, signing off.