An open letter to the one who left

Hi.

That's the first word you said when we met.

I still wonder if you're okay. If you are doing well today. How are you? I know it's dumb to ask. You've been gone for too long. Too long that I could not even remember your face. Too long that I already forgot your embrace.  But I would be glad to hear from you. To know if you still think of me. About me. Even just a bit. Do I still cross your mind? Cos you always do. Everyday. Every time. 

I miss you. 

It should actually be 'I missed you' but I just can't put you back all in my past. 

Your memories with me still lingers. You were the one I shared almost all my first's. I wonder why you have to go. What went wrong? Where did I go wrong? Everything was perfect. Everything was right back then. You were there, so sweet and so loving. So thoughtful and kind. I was slowly learning to love you until it came to a point where it is all about you. I loved you the way you wanted me to love you. The way you wished for it to be true. Remember you courted me for a long time? We've been together for quite a while. We've shared a lot of tears and laughter.

But time does surely fly. And it fly so fast I didn't even know we would not last.

You left and I didn't even know why. 

A single call ended more than a year of love. A month passed you came back to town and I begged for you to see me. Cos I still consider you as mine cos nothing was formally decided.  I left early at work preparing for you to see me. I was so nervous while I was running and walking to reach our meeting place. 

I saw you. My world. I thought we could still fix it. We sat at the park and you said. It's no longer working. Let's stop this. I was dumb founded. Speechless. I cried. I cried so hard and you didn't even bother to comfort me. I tried my best to compose myself. - And asked. Is that what will really make you happy? And you said yes. My heart crushed. A million times. My first love. Now is gone.

On our way home. In a public transportation, I held your hand. And I asked a sign from God. If he hold my hand tight that means we would still be fine. I held your hand, in between were the two rings you gave. I prayed, Let him squeeze my hand before we reach the church. But no. All I'm holding is a hand as cold as ice and in between our palms are two rings that cry. It was our first goodbye.

Two months passed and you took me back.

It was exactly our 2nd year anniversary.

I wore a dress, fit for a lady you always want me to be. I had long locks of hair, I curled it when you left me dear. I saw you. At the church, sitting at the edge of the bench waiting for me. I sat too. At the opposite edge. We stayed that way for almost an hour without talking. Then you came near me. Put the ring back onto my fingers and said. -Let's not break up again. 

I was expecting a sorry. An explanation perhaps but there's none. But love wins. I accepted you and loved you again. I forgot the day you left that gave me those black circles under my eyes. I forgot all the tears I cried when I went home that night. I forgot that I broke down cos you broke my heart. I forgot all those thinking that you won't break your promises again. But I was wrong. Two months passed again and a text ended our song.

I resigned from my job. Left the city that I love.

All of it was for me to be distract to all the pain and grief you gave on every day I thought full of love.

Fast forward and you came back. Seven months had passed. 

You came to the city where I relocate. Asking me if it's too late. Of course it is you fool. But how can my heart be so cruel? I saw you and everything fades away. As I was walking to get near you, I felt a lot of emotions rushing through. Pain, sadness, grief, and all those agony but love surfaced through it all. My love never fade even if you went away. Not once but twice. As I was getting nearer I prayed - God, this is the last time. Give me another shot on this guy. Perhaps it will work now for this one last try.

We ate and talked. You act as if nothing had happened. As if there were no months of gap before you came back. And what pity cos there is not a single sorry. But I still said it's okay cos you said it's still me. Still me that you love. And there were no one else despite all that gap. I believed you. And I was a fool for always believing that what you say is true. That your love is forever true. That there's no one else new. 

Half a year after that. We were still together but we hardly contact. Every time we talked over the phone it's all about fight. You were always angry. I wonder why? Cos when we meet when I get back to our city we're okay. But when I'm away it's as if you are pushing me back. I wonder why you are like that? I mean, why came back and make me feel unwanted. Why came back and took me for granted. Why came back when it's only I who loves you. Why came back when I was already okay. Does  that make you feel more like a man. Whenever you see me cry. Whenever I am in pain? 

All of those made me realize. What do I gain through enduring all of this pain? What do I gain from loving you. That was the hardest decision I made. A decision I should've made for so long before all of this happened. I decided to let go. Of you. And your memories. And to your love untrue. 

I let you go. I thought it was goodbye.

A week after I was shocked. No it was more than that. I was shattered, was torn in pieces my heart broke and my eyes became an unlimited supply of tears. I cried more than what I have cried almost many of the nights on our 3 years of on and off relationship.

Our common friend called me. She said, Hi. I heard about what happened. I've got something to tell you. I should've said it a year ago, sorry if this is so random and all too late. And I said, whatever it was no longer matter, we are through. But what she said broke all the hope I had for you. She said:

You have a new born child. Four months old to be precise.

I was shocked. Speechless. And I was in the state of what the fuck. I told her, I didn't know but thank you for that info. I hanged up the call. Frozen. I broke down. I cried like I never cried before. I cried like there's no more tears to fall. I cried not because of what I just heard. I cried cos I was such a fool. I can't believe I was with someone who betrayed me almost the entire time. I never had an idea about you being with somebody else. I never thought you were capable to do it at first.

I decided to be strong. To slowly accept what had happened. It was painful. Saddening. Something I never want to talk to or to look back to. 

No question asked. I did not contact you. You did not heard anything from me. Even after you found out that I already knew. Don't worry I'm not expecting a sorry. 

That was our last Goodbye.

Every time I missed you, I write some notes for you. I'm writing for me to express what I still feel for you. My mind always wonder if you think of me too. You never know how much I want to talk to you. To see you. But no, I will let you go.

Few years have passed and I still think of you. I've heard you've got a second born and here I am still hanging. Longing. Waiting. Waiting to completely move on. But time do really heal. At least right now I'm doing well.

And  I wrote this not because I'm still hoping. 

I found somebody new. 

PS . I know you won't be able to read this. You are the type who do not appreciate this stuff. But I want you to know, that I write to express what I'm feeling. And I wrote this because I wanna let go of all the fiber that's still attached to you. And I wanna thank you, for everything, for all those pain and suffering. For the love you've shown at the beginning. If not to all of those I wouldn't have met him. 

My love for you will stay at the corner of my heart. But I will love him more and will try to work things out

I loved you. Thank You.

I love him. Thanks to You.