Attempt

I am still indecisive whether to write this or not. This is not for someone to be triggered. Dont get me wrong , in fact, I dont wish anyone to feel this way.

So here's my 3am battle

One, *sigh* I just can't contain this euphoric feeling, this euphoria ,
im not high, let me clarify , im not on drugs , but because I am this vulnerable ,
Pessimistic thoughts are sound bouncing back and forth

Two, but at this moment , I am struggling to make my way out of the abyss coz this doom feeling that is so unearthly overridden with surreal thoughts is just so overwhelming

Three, Confusion and frustration have gone too far that it devoured my consciousness

Four ,and so as my anxiety that have long been crippling under my bed is waiting for me to come see it for myself.

Five, My mentality had been tainted and stained and those devastating thoughts are just inside the cabin resting, perhaps my weakness have triggered myself to knock at its doorway and try to barge in.

Six Late at night , crying has been my stress reliever.

Seven, I have cried blood entirely for I need to wipe my tears with my cut wrist. Those iron rusted smell stained have never left my memory.

Eight, Struggling to find solace within myself is quiet hard.

Nine, That blade that cuts bluntly but have inflicted pain physically is orgasmic.

Ten, I'm emotionally and mentally shattered and disturbed but physical pain have took over that made it pleasurable.

Eleven, I know I have friends but few are just real. It is so rare that I can trust someone and tell my stories to them with no big deal.

Twelve, You can tell me to talk to my family but they're just one of the reasons I am at this state right now that is why I just cannot do it.

Thirteen, You can tell me to go ask above for guidance to strengthen my spiritual side but trust me , the longer I contemplate and reflect, the more rocks of realisation are being thrown at me and devious thoughts are just taking over.

Fourteen, most of the time, I have always been optimistic but the world and this life have drastically changed and I am so left behind that I need to adjust after being shocked.

Fifteen, Surge of emotions are continuously rising and have gone its way to a critical level that I want to end this up 'coz I am so over it.

Sixteen, I can't even hear myself, the voices inside of me are just ringing so loud that it resonated in every corner of the room.

Seventeen, I have kept myself isolated from the world yet the world is so cruel to sneak in my life and wreck havoc

Eighteen, I am egotistic this time that I need to release something out of my head.

Nineteen, This is not to let you know that I am insane or need a psychiatric attention.

Twenty, If by chance I can write again,
it means I have survived,
That if by chance I can tell my story again,
I at that moment have failed the attempt.

Time check its 3: 01