Because I was scared to tell

Here's a confession.

Everyone's been dreaming of a guy  who will never leave even if they got millions of reasons to walk away and I had him. I'm the luckiest, my friends keeps on reminding me that every time I fuck up- I know it but still it was never enough to stop my selfishness. 

He was the best and I am the worse. He is life and I am a wilted flower that ruins the beautiful scenery of his life. He was right when he said we were both busy; yet he was busy because he was fighting for both of us while I was fighting on my own. I leave when something doesn't feel right and come back when I want to--just like always he was always there to welcome me. The worse thing is he brings happiness in me but I can't remember when did I let him feel the real happiness of having a girlfriend.

I did take him for granted.

Then, I realized I will be safe with no matter what happens but I can never trust myself to assure him that he will always be safe and feel home with me. Of all the reason I think it always leads back to : I do not trust myself that I can give him everything he needed and wanted.

I am a strong believer that when once I get into a relationship I will not just date with someone, I will find a man who is a husband material because that's what dating means right? trying to find a man who will be your perfect fit.

He is the perfect fit for me. When I'm with him everything feels right. I  am on track and I became better--- but he was never the perfect fit for me. I can never be with him, I can't do something for him even if I want to. I'm weak.

Then I ask myself, why am I taking him for granted? why can't I show him the love I truly feel for him? Why can't I fight for him?

My trust wasn't enough to give him everything, to open to him because I am scared. I never had a father in my life and no matter how much I trust and love him the fearing of losing a father to my kids will always pull me back. I am always scared of having a broken family in the future. I am always scared if what I am dealing in life right will happen in the future and I was told "just because you have a shitty life it doesn't mean you will have in the future"

Now, I'm more than sorry for being the definition of "complication in life"