Broken but will always choose to love.

"It's not working"

...again. Here I go again. Waiting for another love story to desperately end. There is definitely something wrong with me.

I look at his eyes and my heart goes, "Wow. He is beautiful. He's perfect."

"Not for you apparently" my mind automatically says. Rolling my eyes and trying to move on, I tell myself, "Yes. I know how this will go."

You'll say "Hi" to each other and probably a little spark might be there, a little "kilig" factor that makes you want to jump up and down 'til the adrenaline rush fades. Then you'll meet again, getting to know each other, blurt out the craziest things to make you interesting but doesn't really tell all to keep it mysterious. Then one of you will say the magic words "I like you". This is where you start to overthink (or have you started overthinking the moment he said Hi?). Well, continuing, these might be the questions you'll think about:

1. Why does he like me? (There must be something wrong with him.)

2. Does he really like me? (Keep repeating that to yourself)

3. Do I really like him? (Good luck on that)

4. (Let's face it. It's not nice to compare but you do this) Is he better?

5. Will he still like me when he'll know everything about me? (Probably not)

6. Will he accept me for who I really am? (Trust me, he'll run)

7. Can I accept him?

Can you? But it's just like you know. It's not like you're getting married but what's the point of this then?

Let's track back a little, you had your dates. Will you be able to spend the rest of your life looking at his face, while he eats, while he does his mannerisms or while he even just breath? Feel a little annoyed? Is he that someone that is worthy to be annoyed to everyday? Because acceptance is learning to be fulfilled with what you have. It's not I have accepted the challenge to change him. You have no power here. No changes shall be made.

Now that you've accepted it. You say back the magic words, "I like you too". Both will feel magical at this stage thinking this is fate. Everything was made for this moment. Everything is perfect.

But what if it's not perfect anymore? This is where the fights are almost unforgivable. Never in your years you thought you'd be in a situation like this and you start looking for the nearest exit. You see it but you're a little hesitant. Everyday, it's like finding a new way just to cut each other throats out. Am I ready to leave? Is this not worthy anymore?

This is the crossroad stage. You look at him and you'll say, "Man, he's still so beautiful but why is love more painful and not happy all the time?" Then BAAMMM! You realize, "Is this love? Do I love him? Does love mean hurting each other over and over again?" Love is so complicated.

Tell him you love him then because he deserves the truth. Both of you deserves the truth. To your surprise (not really), he loves you back. Then you go back to being all happy and lovey dovey with each other until one day, you're also back to each other's throats. Wishing it was legal to kill people to uncomplicate things. Wishing again to unwish that wish because you'd probably already be dead by the time you hit 10.

Then you talk to your friends (Oh yeah, you have friends) and you'll say, 

"It's not working".

See, that's the cycle. A roller coaster that everyone loves to ride. Scary but it might be the only thing making us feel alive.

So you pledge to yourself that this time you'll do it right. You'll take things slow. One day at a time. You start to appreciate the things that were there all along but you never noticed before because you were to focus on one thing and got blinded by everything around you. You realize the world really is big and you'll feel nothing is impossible. 

But when you had it all in control, you got it all planned out. Your walls are up and you think nothing is gonna break you. You were just about to be contented just being with yourself then BAAAMMM! Somebody says,

 "Hi!"