Dear You

Dear you,

Wish I wasn’t thinking about you right now. Wish you were just a mere illusion. Wish you aren’t affecting me as much as I am shielding you from. I see cracks in the high walls I built when you’re not even touching it. How could you affect me so much when you’re not even doing anything?

I was at peace. Happy of where I was. Happy even if I was alone. Contented even with a dark past. I was almost at the stage of fully forgetting every worst thing that happened to me but you came out of nowhere and I was stunned at the sight of you. How fast did I stupidly, carelessly let myself to even adore you? What curse it is you have given me where you have interrupted my personal space. The space I have completely protected. The space that has won battles before you stepped on that door.

I thought I was brave enough. Ready to take on all the challenges of the world. Priorities straighten up. Ready to take and leave everything without a word but how could a second change a lifetime? How could one move from you takes me miles away? So far away no one knows it exists.

I need my life back. The struggle to be me again, just me, has lead me to another complication. What torture it is that even in my dreams, your beautiful face does not leave me. Only in my dreams, we look so perfect. Flawlessly in love in my heart. Every detail of it, I remember. When remembering is a big deal for me for I tend to be very forgetful in reality. How could I escape you?

How could I escape a strong fantasy my mind has created? In such a great distance, there you are probably not seeing me like I don’t even exist in your world. I thought I could dodge this feeling anytime. How much energy do I need every day just to avoid an idea of you and me!

But I couldn’t help but hope. Hope you’re thinking of me too. Hope you’re dreaming of me at night. Hope I’m affecting you as much as you are affecting me, big time.

Then again, I am afraid. Afraid of the questions you might want honest answers with. Afraid of the thought that this might be just another terminal stop and not the final destination. Afraid that this is wrong. Afraid of what the impenetrable future holds.

So here I am, isolating myself from you. I think it would be better if only one person is in agony. Away from complexity. Guarding my heart from being broken again. I couldn’t afford to start from one again and have nothing left to save from myself. My dear you, I hope you never see me staring at you for they betray me all at once.

Hope it’s not love,

Me