Can having depression be selfish?

Do religious people who die of suicide really abandon being one?

Can they be treated as non-believers since they lost hope which is a symbol of Christ?

Will they be exiled to hell for they broke the sixth commandment?

Is God really capable of doing that?

Or will He be understanding?

It pains me to think these may happen because of a disorder that distorts a person's perspective. 

These days, God is the sole reason I'm holding on. But every time I think of losing hope. Every time... I feel guilty and pathetic... That I've disappointed God.

You see all I've wanted in life is to be happy, to pursue my dreams, and to feel loved. I don't get why that can be so difficult.

I know that this world full of people contains millions of stories but I still feel alone. Nothing comforts me. No one comforts me.

With my three wants in life, I beg for only one for I think that when I have that, I can continuously win my fights: a friend.

And after years of praying, no one still came.

Lord, why? I'm slowly slipping off the edge. I do not know how long I can manage to be alone. Please lend me a hand. I've asked you this for the umpteenth time and I'm afraid that if no one comes, I will go back to hurting. 

Knowing I owe God my life but I am not treasuring it enough adds up to the confusion.