Crush

Crush, what does it mean to have a crush? Well I'll tell you what it means, it means liking someone so much that your insides scramble up every time you see them. It means having your heart shattered to pieces once finding out that the feeling's not mutual or feeling like you're the most special person in the world once they pay the slightest attention to you. A crush is exactly what the word says it is.... It's a feeling that will crush you.

I sat there staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, tears pouring out of my eyes, stains of mascara rolling down my cheeks. My eyes started to itch, reminding me I had to take my contacts out. But I couldn't bring myself to move. I let myself cry freely, I had to let these feelings I had out of my chest.

Memories start flashing through my head. I remember the day he sat on my lap and made me hug him close, my heart told me he liked me back but my mind told me to be wary. Like any other teenage girl, I listened to my heart.

I always knew we were close friends and what he thought of me, but he didn't entirely know what I thought of him. I thought he was smart, funny, nice, caring, sweet. I thought he was hot and sexy, I can't lie, he is the perfect example of tall dark and handsome. He had these lips that always seemed to invite me in for a kiss, but I never dared to... After all, close friends don't just come and kiss eachother!

After several months of flirting and noticing the signs he gave away, I was more than sure that he liked me back, but I still didn't have the nerve to tell him how I truely feel. My best friend warned me that he wouldn't want to take the risk in dating me, for that will surely put our friendship in danger, as well as the bond our group of friends had. I agreed, but the feelings never went away.

Another month passes by and my best friend dragged me to a corner to tell me something, I could tell by her expression that it was not something I would be fond of. The words left her mouth: "He started dating Mary." she said.

I felt the world tip to its side, a horrible ache in my chest started to develope, it was like someone was squeezing my heart from the inside and I couldn't breath. Soon enough tears were pouring down my cheeks, it was funny how I didn't seem to notice that at first. I felt two hands on my shoulders, then someone was hugging me and whispering soothing words in my ear, but I couldn't hear them. Reality sunk in, I knew he had feelings for her, but I was positive he had feelings for me as well. My best friends' words came back to haunt me; "He wouldn't want to put your friendship in danger."

All I wanted to do was curl up into a tiny ball and cry, cry, cry until there's nothing left inside. Then I started taking in my surroundings, people were looking at me wondering what could possibly make me cry. I saw my best friend staring at me with a worried expression on her face. I gave her what I thought was a reassuring smile. I had to go home, I had to be alone, so I hugged her goodbye and left.

Now here I am, all alone, trying to cry myself back to sleep. But everytime I close my eyes I see them together, holding hands and kissing. I wiped the tears away and stood up straight. I wasn't going to let myself cry and cry about something as simple as a guy. I thought about it more, and realized that if I can't have him as a boyfriend, then atleast I have him as a close friend, and that was enough for me.

So the next days, weeks, and months I spent cherishing our moments together and savouring our friendship. I still have those feelings for him, but they are now the least of my concerns. I will survive no matter what.

As for him, I noticed how he stopped flirting with me. For the first few weeks it even seemed like he was trying to avoid me at all costs. I understood why though, so I gave him some space. I would throw him a smile or a wave every now and then and when I felt like he was ready, and made sure that I was as well, I went and striked up a conversation.

And now here we are, having the time of our lives. Our group of friends still has that special bond and I am perfectly happy being the way I am. But I learned a lesson from all this; What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and in order to move on, you have to be able to accept the truth.