Day 6, 869

Day 6, 869

I woke up around 7:20pm alone in my dorm. I know I should already be fixing myself since I need to go out to buy dinner. But instead, I found myself watching senseless videos in Facebook. I laughed. And I laughed hard. I shared what I think is really funny.

Around 8:45pm, I decided not to go out anymore and just sleep then I'll just eat around 10pm since I still have some food in my drawer.

But my mind seems that it doesnt want to shut down but my body does.

I feel lonely. This is one of those times when I feel so tired and I just dont want to move but I need to. And to make it worse, I dont know the reason.

How could you actually solve a problem if you dont know its roots? Or maybe I should stop looking at it as a problem. Maybe this is just something normal. Then is it just normal for me to just feel like my body is made of lead and there's this gaping hole in my chest? I dont know.

Most of the time, the reasons why I feel this way are because of my family, relatives, school, peers, and even life itself. And recently, it has been caused by a guy, which is now my ex.

Idk. Maybe it's just because Im alone? And it's triggering some subconscious emotional breakdowns? Or maybe because I had seen my ex earlier this day? No. Those are not the reasons; Im sure.

I thought about opening it up to a friend. Maybe it would lessen the feeling. But how am I suppose going to tell it to her when I dont even know why? I dont really want to burden her with just something like this either.

After a while, I just decided to eat. I know Im feeling so fucked up right now and I dont really want to do anything but I know I need to eat. I dont want to but I need to. At some point, I thought that maybe the cause is the food that I eat. Well, arent there foods recommended that can boost your dopamine levels?

This is why I fear when I felt something good just like how I did yesterday. It has a drawback. I would always feel empty afterwards like all of my happy hormones had been exhausted. And I know that when I start anew again, I would feel this emptiness frequently. Throwing out all those things that had been weighing me down will left me with nothing. Well, those are the things that had been defining me after all. I always see myself as someone who is damage, shitty, and someone whom no one would want to stay with.

I just cant really seem to go on for a week without feeling this way. It seems like it's already programmed in my brain that I need to feel this way just at least once. I just cant really keep up being jolly. And it would always feel so good when Im surrounded by people whom I can easily interact with. But I dont have permanent people like that in my life.

I know our society says that we can only depend on ourselves but arent we social beings?? At one point, we just want someone who could be there for us not only when our days are sunny and warm but also when the storm comes and it's cold.

I dont need money. I dont need luxury. I just want someone who would be there not only when Im laughing but someone who would actually stick with me when I cry.

I dont know. I cant even cry right now.