Durga Puja- mixed emotions

It's Durga Puja... 🙂
This time it is mixed emotions, because on one side, this is the life I prayed to Maa Durga for the last years, that my wish you complete my master's degree abroad. And here I am, watching Durga Puja in stories of my friends and acquaintances. The most important person who is missing me right now is my father. I feel sad for that. It has been almost 9 years that we have been spending our Durga pujas giving each other company after my Mom passed away. I have been strong since the day she passed away, so was my father who was determined to make her wish come true. She had dreamt that I would stand as a successful person and here I am, starting my master's degree in Germany from one of the reputed universities of the world. The journey is still on, but I know she would have also been proud. I know we both have crossed long hurdles, and this is the first Durga Puja my father is without me. Today is Mahasaptami, he video called me to show the aarti. I was still half awake, from my bed, enjoying the privilege of being loved and being missed and seeing the Durgapuja organised by our society.

Yesterday my friends called me early morning and shared their love telling that they are missing me.
It is true that I was also missing them, missing the reunion which used to happen every year. The only event where we could celebrate to the fullest, whole night plans, food, fun, humour.

This year I was missing my love. A lot. I could not realize that because she was somewhere in my heart and I was trying to figure it out how to move on. But somehow she managed to show up in a photo from another girl. I wish I didn't see that. I was happy to see that she was shining bright, having sparkle in her eyes. The photo was so beautiful. Maybe she is moving out of her city for her job. I remember how we used to discuss how would she manage everything alone when she would be staying in another city. We discussed so many things together. Cannot believe everything was temporary. Cannot believe I am not with her because she pushed me away. Cannot believe that I decided to walk away from her because she asked me not to expect. But most importantly, which I had to believe, she was disrespectful towards me.

I accepted everything. I accept that I don't deserve love from anyone. I accept that the things I am facing is because of my own Karma... unfortunately, this is the third time I faced a backlash such strong and painful. I could not stop my tears yesterday...it was a numb feeling, after seeing her photo. I realized that I haven't healed already, it was just an illusion. Yet another year or two, it might take.

I wish Maa Durga gives me enough strength to heal and move on again. I don't believe in people now...I don't believe in connections anymore...I hope it gets changed someday again. Two back to back stabbing, yet I am alive. Maybe the pain is making me realize that I am alive.

I miss you love..I am really missing you...wish you were there to tell me that I was wrong. But I know you won't be there. You hate me, you hate my presence...it was all one-sided.
It's okay.
I wish you good luck and good health.
I wish all the readers Happy Durga Puja and Happy Navratri.
May you all be able to defeat all your vices.