For the one who lost someone

My love, you've gone too soon. Even though I saw signs that you were leaving, that you were finally going to give up and that you can't bare another second to stay any longer, somewhere along those lines, I ignored it and believed in miracles.

I wake up in the morning wishing I felt nothing. Lingering on questions I already knew the answers. Regrets I'm going to have to bring for the rest of my life. And Love, love that only from a great distance I may never make you feel again.

I eat breakfast thinking how we used to eat together, most of the time in silence but together. Your presence was enough for me. When I'm about to leave home, you looked at me all dressed up and ready to go, the way you smile at me, that smile that is more precious than pearls, the way you tell me how I look beautiful. Oh, how I miss mornings like that.

I can never look at the world the same way anymore. When I see people that looks like you, dresses like you, talks or even smells like you, God, it takes me 6 feet down the ground. I just can't help but close my eyes and hope that when I open them, these people are nowhere in sight. All my senses remembers you and it kills me bit by bit. If only there's no such thing as feelings, then this could have been a whole lot easier.

My feet forbids me to go to the places we used to go. Even the very house we call our home will never be the same without you. Call me a devil or whatever but I cannot step a foot inside a church. Afraid of hearing your voice inside my head singing. God must have loved your voice too much for him to take you away from me. After all, I swear you were definitely an angel. My angel. But how could an angel break my heart? How could you leave me when I needed you? My love, you know I needed you. I know you hate me for hating you right now but I do. I hate you. And yes, I am blaming you. How great is love when in the end, you get yourself heartbroken, devastated, lifeless and yet, you tell me to go on.

But when I think about what if I didn't love you and what if you didn't love me? I guess it's true when they say, a heart that has been broken is a heart that has been loved. The world is too big for a man to choose what to do but the world is also too small for he cannot do everything he desires. I'd do anything for your love. Just let me feel your love again. I can do all the begging I want, right? But what I want is already impossible in this world.

I probably deserve this. The times I make you angry. The times I disappointed you for doing the wrong things. The times I ignored you when I know all you wanted was to see me smile. The times I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. The times I should have told you how much I love you. The times I should have showed you how much of a great person you are and how much I'm so proud of you.

How dark is this curse you have given me. Where I cannot hate you because the thought of hating you, hurts more and because I love you that it hurts. Where do I place myself? I'm lost while you are there happier with the one you love. Probably in celebration that finally, you found each other. Oh, how selfish would I be if I didn't let you go when I know you'll be at peace there. That is all you ever wanted, peace and love. Two things this world cannot fully give.

Although I am trying to move on. Wishing tomorrow would be a better one. Wishing one day I get to look at the places we used to go and be happy that it happened. Wishing one day I get to pray again with a smile and not with tears. Wishing one day I could love again seeing the brighter side and not a dead end. Wishing that one day, when I see you again, I can say that I'm finally happy. Truly happy.

But my love, you've gone too soon. So let me take my time because that one day is not today.