Freefalling

I'm in a constant state of freefall. I have no control over my actions anymore. It feels like I'm spinning in circles. Spiralling out of the orderliness of my life and the reason is YOU.

You have captivated me under your spell. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. I just know I don't feel like myself anymore. I question everything now. I don't know if I'm being cautious or reckless. I did not fall in love with you. I jumped in love. Jumped at the idea and the very thought of being in love with you. All I know is that you give me strength. That should be enough of a reason to stop doubting myself but I can't help but consider the fact that you are also my weakness.

Love seems like a strange word to me now. Is love supposed to be this difficult? I've lost the meaning of love. The Oxford English Dictionary can't even help me with the meaning. The love that we have is it beautiful or toxic? I blame you for everything ​that's going ​wrong in my life right now. I know this and I accept it. But I realise I only do this because it's easier to blame others than figure out what's causing this problem. I am truly sorry for that.

Today I stand still but cannot take in the beauty that is life because let's face it my life isn't beautiful it's full of mess and the only solace I can find in it is you. But I'm not sure if you're ready to help me through my mess or I'm ready to let you help me. I've become this ball of clustered mess and that is my fault.

I'm freefalling and I'm dragging you down with me. I want you to be free. I want you not to get involved in my mess. Once I overcome this freefall and make sense of my mess I'll come find you. I promise.