I'm Trying

I never thought I would get depressed. My life was so sorted that the thought of depression never passed through my mind. For ages I thought depression was just a fancy word that people used to express that they're sad because just telling someone you're sad or upset was just too mainstream. But telling people that you're depressed brings the pizazz that theword "sad" could never bring.

But boy was I wrong. Depression hit me hard. Just out of the blue. Like an unannounced guest who refuses to leave. It is sucking the life out of me. I have become aloof. I don't really know what is happening around me. Even in the company of my most favourite people I feel lonely. I don't know what it is that makes me depressed anymore. It's nothing and at the same time it's everything. I cannot exactly pinpoint it. But my once sorted out life has now come completely crashing down. I stand in the midst of it and watch it crumble. There is nothing left for me to do. The only way out that I can find is taking my own life. Call me a coward but I cannot face life anymore. These are some of the many thoughts that go through my brain each night as I lay on my pillow and cry my eyes out. It has become kind of a daily habit: go to bed and me cry myself to sleep.

It has been a long time since I've realised ​that I need to get over this state of constant sadness. But only recently have I started to act upon it. I try and keep myself happy as much as I can. I don't overthink things now and have grown a resistance to needless drama and other BS. I try to be more confident in whatever it is that I do. I talk to myself and have a pep talk every morning that "you will be happy today. You will not cry and will not be affected by what other people are saying".

But there times when I relapse. I relapse and feel like I'm back at square one. I'm back where I started. I feel like I'm not good enough and I don't deserve to be loved. I feel like a failure. I feel like shit. But now I realise that relapses are actually good. A blessing infact. Relapses mean that I'm trying. I'm not in a constant state of depression as I used to be a few years back. I've grown and am growing. Relapses have shown me that I am trying. Trying very hard to beat my inner demon and throw out this guest that has made its place in my mind.

I've made my peace with it. I've made my peace with relapses and the temporary state of sadness that it brings with it. I will continue this fight. I don't want to be that person who has hit rock bottom and is perpetually sad. I'm sure none of you would. So if you have been visited by this monster please start your fight and I know that you can and will defeat it. :)