Friends forever

Why was he coming back? Why after 5 years? Why just after i felt i could live without him? Why does he need to come back and make things more miserable for me? Why was he making me question my own choices and settlements? He was making me question whether i had actually learnt to live without him, whether all those tears were able to wash away all the bitterness my heart held against him, whether i had actually moved on or was it all a lie.

I was still struggling.  Trying to make some sense of things. Useless. I cant even think about anything other than him, other than us...

If i got a penny for everytime my mind went on a trip down memory lane i would  definitely be the richest person on earth. My heart ached at the idea of  thinking about the past. About what happened in the past....

"I love you chris" i would always say  little did i know what it meant. We lived right in front of each other's houses. Or i should say we lived in each other's houses. Like every other childhood neigbor/best friend, we were just inseparable not that any one minded. Now i think they must have planned our wedding in their heads multiple times, just like i did. I knew he was my soulmate and i actually did not  care for anything except him. my day would start only after seeing his face. My day would end only after seeing his face.He was my life and my life was him. We grew up together. We went to school together. I just could not imagine my life without him. And i think he could not either. Probably. 

We were friends and we were more than friends.  Atleast for me but i never felt an urge to ask him. May be i was afraid what if he didnt think likewise. Better not question and live in denial. Now that i look at it, i realise may be it was all my fault. 

We grew older and our games progressed from hop scotch to basketball. He was the best. Best at everything. Best looking, best player, best friend, best lover and i knew he would make the best husband as well.

I had a feeling that we would go to college together but you arent always right. And i got the worst gift on my birthday. He announced right after we finished high school that he wanted to go to paris to pursue architecture and that he had already gotten admission and that he would be leaving after my bday. Wow. What a pleasant suprise. Thanks bestie. I was hurt that he would leave but i was more pissed about the fact that he did not even ask me once.

I knew i had nothing to do in paris. I wanted to be a psychologist and i knew it was best to stay back home and study. But i could not let him go alone. I just could not. What if he forgets me. Nah. That cant happen. What if he gets a new best friend. That can happen. 

Atleast i needed to confess my love before he left. I had to. I needed assurance that he would come back and become the best husband that i wanted him to be. 

So i decided to tell him. On the day of the my bday party. I dressed up and tried to look as beautiful as i could. I still remember how nice he looked in that black tuxedo. The best prince. And then after gathering all courage i told him that i loved him. Not the usual bestie love. But i actually loved him. I had loved him since forever.  And he told me that he didnt. That he was just a friend. That he needed to focus on his career. That he had no time for love. Ohh wow. No time for love. Yeah i totaly understand.

I had no choice but to accept it. No choice but to cry the whole night. No choice but to say final bye to him with a hug which lacked any feelings.   No choice but to move on. But i always waited for him to come back home during vacations since we hardly kept in touch over phone and mail.since i still has some hope. Since i still felt that he would fall in love with me. One day. But Aint nobody got time for that, right?

One summer he came home and he came back with a suprise for me. Another pleasent suprise. He came back with his girlfriend. Wow. That felt good. I thought he had no time to fall in love. I had to kill all my feelings and pretend to be happy when deep down i was thinking about the least painful  way to commit suicide.

But no. I could not kill myself over something so silly. I had just lost the love of my life. Big deal huh? 

I had to be happy. Atleast pretend to be happy. For chris because he could never be fully happy if i was not. Afterall we were BFFs. But life had to become worse and things happened which i never saw coming. It was chris' parents anniversary and we all decided to throw a suprise party. The party was going smoothly and suddnely there was a volcanic eruption. Atleast it felt like that to me.  Chris proposed to Mia. Wow. Thanks for doing it right in front of me. As If life already was not at its best for me. Sarcasm intended. They went back to paris and planned to come back during christmas to get married. I could not see them getting married. Could i? After christ went back we completely stopped talking. Those weekly mails became monthly and then they ceased to exist. Life was bad but i was not the type to sit back and whine. I had to do something in life and be happy. You dont necessarily  need love in your life to be happy. Or may be you do but since i did not have it, i had to come up with something which would make me happy. And i knew that was work. I was about to finish my training period as psychologist and i knew life had a lot to offer. But i decided to leave ohio and go to los angeles. I knew that los angeles had a lot to offer on psychological research front. And i also knew i could not stay back to see chris getting married. I moved and decided not to come back. I decided not to come back to the place which made me happy and which held so many memories. And i did not break my resolve. I did not go back. Whenever possible my parents would come to visit me. With them came back those days of childhood, comfort and memories. With them came the news about how great chris's wedding was. I still remember how dificult it was to convince chris that i would not be able to make to his wedding. He almost planned to come to los angeles to get married but i think he knew it was not work that was keeping his best friend from attending his wedding. It was something else. And i knew it was something else. In that moment of silence i confessed to him that it was something else. I got indulged in my work so badly that i forgot i was human. I worked on weekdays and weekends. I worked whenever i was not sleeping. I knew i would never fall in love again but i needed a companion and i knew who that would be. I decided to adopt a child. A cute little child was all i needed to get through life. Luckily i found that child very soon. There was something about her eyes. Those cute little eyes were beautiful and i knew i had to have her. I named her Christina. Lovely name right?

Life was as good as it could be. I was finally happy. I had moved on and i had found happiness in christina and work. My parents never forced me to get married. They also stopped telling me about chris because i think they finally got mature enough to realise that i still loved him. Good for me.

Why was he coming now? In last 5 years he never tried contacting me except on my birthday with a card. He never congratulated me on my success. He never asked how my life was. Why was he coming to see me now. Why?

May be had some official work. Yeah sure. What else? 

But why he wanted to meet me? Whatever. For now i gotta schedule a few things. I  was a little excited to see him after so long but sad that we had not been in contact for so long. 

I dressed up after long and went to receive him from the airport. Christina came with me. When i saw chris alone, i was confused since i expected  mia to come along. He came and we hugged. Oh god. It felt so good. I still got the best friend vibes from him.  The sensation was so strong. After 7 years he was that close to me and i did not want to part away.

"Long time chris. How have you been?" I asked

"I am doing perfectly fine. I see you have got a pretty lady with yourself. Wont you introduce me to her?" Said he looking at Christina. It meant he also did not know anything about my life. Good for me again.

"Oh yes she is my daughter Christina. Christi say hello to uncle chris" i said

Christi looked at him with those beautiful bright eyes and said hello. Chris seemed to be a little moved. He seemed to be astonished about the fact that i had a daughter.

Then it came to my notice that i had to ask him about Mia.

"Where is Mia?" i asked

"Ohh things did not work out well between us. I almost feel you still know everything about me like the way you used to" said chris

I felt a pang in my heart. Things did not work out. Wait what?

So they were not together anymore. I wanted to know everything about it but i could not gather the courage to ask him. He had a very sad look about it anyway and i did not want to discuss anything negative in front of christi so i decided to drop it.

"Where is your lucky guy ?" Asked chris looking at me with those intense eyes which looked so much like christina.

"What? Oh my husband. No i never got married. I never found any time to fall in love. And then i found christi and she made my life blissfully happy." Said i returning the gaze he had given me.

"Oh that's surprising." Said Chris in a very mysterious way.

I did not answer. Christina kept looking at me and it was clearly written on her face that she was confused.

We did not talk on the way home. May be both of us needed that silence to process the brand new announcements we had made to each other. I was still thinking of the reason behind their failed marriage. I knew for a fact that Chris  would make an awesome husband. Then what was it. Was it Mia? Was i being biased?

Chris admired my apartment for its cleanliness and classiness. That's because both of us had more or less the same choices when it came to decor or ice cream or anything else in life.

I cooked his favourite food. Very cliched but that is what you do, right?

He admired the food as well. Things were very formal. The only non-formal thing was the hug that we shared. Christi liked  Chris a lot. They bonded so fast and so great. Great father. Told you.

I again started to think about his marriage. I needed answers. He was my best friend.

After tucking christi in bed i came out and found him sitting in the balcony. I made our favourite kind of coffee and went out to talk to him.

"Hey how about some coffee?" 

"Yeah sure Mel."

"Can i ask you something Chris if you don't mind? "

"My marriage failed because Mia and i realised that we were never in love. We realised it very soon after the marriage but we kept giving the things few shots to see if something could be done. I know that is what you wanted to ask, right? "

When he said that i could not swallow for a  minute. They were not in love. Proposing her in front of entire family during Christmas holiday was not love. Oh wow. I am more confused now . I did not say anything.

"After a couple of years of fighting and unhappiness we realised it was best for us to part ways. We realised it would not work out. Mia soon found love again and then we got divorced." Said Chris. I could see his eyes were tearing up. I bet they loved each other. 

"Now why don't you tell me something about your life? What kept my friend from getting married?" 

Oh God. He is so good at holding himself together. He has not changed.

" I got too busy with work and then christi filled the gap. I never felt the need to look out for love and get married. Marriages don't seem a good idea to me anyway."

"Sure they don't, that's why you did not come to your best friend's wedding. I think my marriage did  not work out beacuse of you." 

"Wait what did you say? Because of me?" I asked with amusement.

"Yeah. You did not come to give us your blessings. "He said chuckling. 

Oh God. Chris can be an ass at times. Sure it was me.

"I think i am gonna go to bed. I gotta head to office tomorrow. I will drop you somewhere if you want. "

"No no. I don't have anything to do for a couple of days. My meeting is next monday." Said he with a grin.

What? Why had he come so early then? To spend time with me? No. Stop thinking about impossible stuff. I said good night and turned to head to my room. Suddenly Chris   got up hugged me from behind. What was he doing? 

"Where is my best friend Mel? You are not the one i loved so much. Where is the jolly little girl of mine?"

Every word coming out of his mouth pierced through me. 

"She is right where you left her. You need to search with a little more patience because you left her behind for too long." 

"I did. Haha. Yeah i did. " Chris was being too mysterious. I did not like it. Ugh.

Next day i just could not focus on work. I kept thinking about Chris. I wanted to go back home and spend time with him. Christi was at home and i knew she would keep him good company.  I took his and her favourite Starbucks and went home early from work. Both of them looked tired and i knew they had been up to something . Never mind. We planned to go out for dinner and we ended up going shopping after that. It felt so good to shop with Chris. He was the best critic on earth and that is why i always wore best clothes to prom. I bought him a shirt. The kind he liked and he loved it. He insisted on buying something for me. Things definitely had changed. He never had to force me to buy anything for me. I would always take things shamelessly. We came back with enough clothes for whole year. Christi and Chris were getting too close and that bothered me.   I did not want her to miss him after he was gone. But she was exactly like her mother. Just like her mother she could not resist herself from falling in love with this guy. Bad for both of us.

"Mom don't let uncle Chris go back. I like him. Can't he stay with us?" 

"I wish he could baby. But he has work to go back to."

"I can stay back if that is what christi wants." Chris said coming in the room.

"Oh please Chris don't play this 'i am very generous' card with this girl atleast because she would be hurt when you are gone and you would never even come back to console her." Soon i regretted my outburst. I should not have said all this in front of christi. I should not have said it at all. I was being weak.

"Sorry." 

That is the only thing he said and kissed me on my cheeks and went away.

I sat next to christi thinking about what i had done. Did i just speak my hear out? Did i just tell him what he had done to me?

And then i fell asleep.

Next day was saturday and we were all home. We watched best family movies. It felt so good. It felt complete. It felt like a family. Yes it did.

We went to the park in evening. It all seemed like a movie and i realised that movies were not always lies.

After coming back, Chris decided  to show some of his cooking skill and make dinner. I agreed. It had been long since i had tasted something he cooked.

Over the dinner christi and Chris were acting a little strange. They kept winking and grinning at each other. Never mind.

Chris wanted to spend some time with christi so i left them in her room and went to bed. I kept analysing things. So many things had happened in the past couple of days. So many new discoveries and so many new connections. One such discovery was that i still loved him. Yes i did. And christi had also fallen in love with him. I knew christi saw that male support system in him. She saw her father in her. There was something about the christ treated me now. It was not just friendly. There was more to it. But i had felt the same 7 years ago. What did i get out of it? I lost my best friend and i am not going to repeat the same mistake all over again. I was not the same giddy teenage girl anyway. 

Finally i fell asleep. I heard a loud knock on the door and i knew something was wrong. There stood christi shouting and crying. 

"What happened baby?" 

"Mom... U u u uncle Chris."

"What happened to him?" My heart stopped beating for a second.

"See for yourself mom." 

I went to the guest room. With the shivering hand i turned on the light.

"Surprise surprise" shouted both of them. I did not have good experience with surprises in the past. 

I saw that the room was decorated with balloons. There was a cake right in the middle of the room. 

Oh yes. Its my birthday today . 7 years back on this day i had told Chris about  how much i loved him. I felt a lump in my throat. Since that day my birthday never really mattered. In fact i hated this day. There stood the reason for my hatred with a birthday cap on his head. I could not stop but laugh at the irony of the situation.

"Happy birthday mom!" said christi and kissed me. I kissed her back.

"Happy birthday Mel!" Said Chris and kissed me. And again i kissed him back.

Christi gave me a beautiful card. So this was what she had been hiding from me. I loved the card.

Chris held a Tiffany box and i started to feel butterflies in bellies just at the thought of what could be inside it.

"I committed a mistake by leaving you behind 7 years ago. I know a sorry is not enough. When i said you were the reason my marriage did not work, i meant it. It did not work because i took me too long to realise i loved you. And when i realised it, wrong had been done. There was no going back. But i could not make my marriage work no matter how much i tried so that you don't feel guilty about it. I am sorry for what i did. I took too long to realise you were not just a friend. You were more than that. You were family. You are meant to be family. I thought i would mend the mistake on the exact same day. So will you be my best friend again? Will you be my family? Will you let me be christi's dad?"

What? Like seriously? He was proposing me in my pyjamas? No way.

"I don't know Chris. Things have changed. I have christi now. I don't  know what to say. "

"But christi likes uncle Chris. Don't you baby?"

"Yes. I love you uncle Chris."

I could not help but smile. What should i do?

"Oh come on Mel. I know you love me. Say yes already. See the ring is waiting to be on your beautiful finger. See i got your favourite cake and blue balloons just as you like."

I looked into those beautiful eyes.There was regret, hope and desire.

I looked at christi. In her eyes i could see the desperation to hear a yes. So she wanted a father. 

I closed my eyes and thought about my life. A slideshow ran. So many beautiful memories. But there were tears. What would i have done if the roles were reversed? Would he accept me? Did i love him enough to forgive him and spend rest of my life with him. I knew for sure that i could spend my life with him. But could i forgive him? Was it ever his fault? Was not it me who mis read the signals. The signals which never even existed. 

I knew what i had to do. 

"Yes i will be your best friend. But you gotta promise to be here forever." 

"Wow. Yippee. Yes. Wow. What do i do? Oh the ring. I am so happy." He kept blabbering.

He put the ring on my finger and hugged me. The same sensation ran through my body.

He pulled christi into the embrace as well. 

There we were.

 Picture perfect.

Best friends forever.