the hardest

Nobody said it was easy.

One. You'd listen to your favorite songs and laugh while reminiscing all the memories you have together. You will look at his picture and tell yourself "this will be the last". You will go through all his social media accounts and see if he's doing good. Something will sting near your chest. Deep inside, you wished he's not doing fine. Deep inside, you wished he's hurting. You will find yourself talking to his pictures. You will lock yourself in your room and cry. You will think of all the things you've done wrong. The pain, the sacrifices, the fights and the last argument you had with him will fill your mind. You will cry all your heart out. You will wear the shirt he gave you and hug yourself. As you smell his perfume, you smile because finally! The great things you've done together will fill your mind. You'll laugh hard while thinking how cute he is when he gets jealous. You will remember the day when he was stuttering when he confessed his love for you. You'll probably laugh harder remembering how loud his snores were. And the day he burnt the food he's supposed to give you? That was priceless! The failed surprises will make you laugh harder. You will realize how insane you are when you find yourself laughing while crying. You will stand up, wipe your tears and fix yourself. You will finally realize that it's now over and he's happy with someone else now.

Two. You will cry again but it's not the same as the past few days. The mood is lighter. You decided to hang out with your friends more. You are now laughing. The pain is still there but it's not the same anymore. You will join activities that will distract you from him. You will search for him in other people. You will go back to your closet and find the things he gave you. You will take everything and put them in one place. You decided to stop wearing the necklace he gave you. You will talk to other guys now. You'll clean your room, go to gym, eat healthy foods -- you will do everything that will somehow fix yourself. You will help yourself to become whole again.

Three. Letting go. You will let him go -- this time, you know it's true. You will let him go from your mind and your heart. You will stop stalking him. You will stop asking about him from his friends. And now, you are close to finding yourself. You can now listen to the songs that reminds you of him without crying.

Four. You found a distraction. You will still search for him from the other guy you talk to. You can't help it. It's part of the process. You will realize that it won't work that way. You don't want to use anyone because you know how it feels like to be used. You will find other things. You decided to learn guitar -- wrong move. It made you think of him more. You started to look for another distraction and there you found arts. You started to love arts because it gives you feeling. You started to paint emotions and that what makes your arts unique. He became your inspiration.

Five. You will fall apart when you saw him entering the art room and kissed the forehead of one of your classmates. You both met each other's eyes. He wave his hand and you don't know how to respond so you will just smile. That's when you realized that you haven't moved on yet. You quit the art lesson. You will go straight to your room and throw the arts you made. You will break everything. The paint, the brushes, the pencils, the empty canvas -- everything. You are there again. You are going back to number one. But this time, it's ten times painful. You decided to ruin yourself. You break the one you are trying to fix. The broken you will break again and again. You are a mess now. Your broken pieces look like a dust -- you are harder to fix. Wait, can you still be fixed? Art became your life but in that day, you started to hate it. You have nothing left.

Six. You don't want to go out. You are too hurt to go out. You won't talk to anyone. You locked yourself. Stress-eating became your best friend. You will start asking your mom to buy you food. Unhealthy foods. You wanted to be fat. You smiled at the thought when you remembered how much he hates it when you eat unhealthy foods. No one's stopping you right now. You started to cut your hair because you know how much he loves your hair. You start to destroy yourself. You will now say all the bad words you know because you know how much he hates it. Hatred fills you up. That's when you start building walls to protect yourself.

Seven. Someone will try to fix you. Instead, you will break them too. You will break their hearts too. You will think it's fair. You don't want to play the loser's side now. You will break everyone's heart before they will break you. You will start doubting everyone. Trusting someone is too hard for you. You became heartless. You became the opposite of you. The sweet little gullible girl is now a woman. That's what you think. You think you are now strong. You will think of him from time to time but anger is the only thing you can feel.

Eight. Someone changed you. You became human again. You started to love again. And you may not notice it but you became whole. He let you remember the past and free yourself from there. You will be something you never imagine yourself before. You are loved. Everything's different this time. You became an art. And now, you are happy because someone finally understands you. You are done with all the moving on shts.

Nine. He lied. You are just a distraction. He's broken too and he's in number four.

Ten. Sorry darling, but you have to go back to where you started.